When you purchase a car, the first thing you should buy next is car insurance. Unless, of course, you are a Black Person.
You see, despite the fact that the Black Community is likely to be pulled over far more often than most other groups, Black People still like to believe that they are lucky. And lucky people don’t get into car accidents. So why buy insurance? Or stay at home just because your license is suspended? But these are only small symptoms to a much larger problem.
Black People do not like to allocate money to things they actually need. Car insurance. Health insurance. Social Security. If it doesn’t have wheels, a remote, a controller, can’t be worn or eaten or isn’t made out of gold, chances are a Black Person isn’t interested in spending money on it.
You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.
But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?
No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.
However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.
This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.
Unlike the Black Market or the Black Plague, black has finally been given a suffix that is tasty and delicious and at an affordable price.
The Black Community and Taco Bell have been quite fond of one another for decades, almost as much as Black People and KFC have been. But KFC never made a “Black Combo Meal” or “Black Chicken Sandwich”, so Taco Bell has now become the premiere fast food establishment within the Black Community for finally acknowledging the Black People that eat there by naming a taco after them.
Walk down the street. Ask a Black Person, any Black Person, if they like the Black Taco. Even if they have never even tried one yet, chances are they will still speak fondly of it. Now it is up to McDonald’s to make a “Black Cheeseburger”, Burger King to make a “Black Whopper”, and Wendy’s to simply make something that actually tastes good.
In 1994, writer/director Kevin Smith was heavily criticized by the Black Community for neglecting to include any Black People in his uproarious feature debut “Clerks“.
However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.
And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).
This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.
The Black Community has accepted this scene as a personal apology from Mr. Smith for neglecting them in his past films (he would later go on to work with Chris Rock and Craig Robinson).
However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).
Black People and Law Enforcement have always had a pretty tumultuous relationship.
Many people (mostly select groups that are Pro-Caucasian People) believe that there would be no crime, rape or murder in the United States if someone would just lock up all those pesky Black People who are genetically predisposed to committing crime.
Assuming this were true, it would point to one of history’s greatest unknown secrets: crimes like theft, murder and rape did not exist in America until after Black People came to this country.
Before Black People set food in the colonies, there was absolutely no criminal activity. But after the emancipation proclamation, 100% of all crimes were committed solely by Black People and directed exclusively against Caucasian People.
So it is no wonder that law enforcement feels the need to pull over and harass someone who happens to be “Driving While Black” even though more than half of rapists are not Black People and serial killers tend to not be Black Males who happen to be interested in police work.
Black People and chilly weather are not best friends. They are not even on speaking terms. If you’ve ever met someone who has hiked up a snowy mountain like Mount Everest or K2, chances are they were not a Black Person. This is because Black People do not hike up snowy mountains (or any mountain, for that matter) in addition to having an aversion to the cold.
Black People are a tropical people. Dark skin does not absorb light and heat as easily as pale skin, so most Black People can only be truly comfortable while operating in warm temperatures.
This, of course, is the sole reason why Black People have not yet been able to conquer the NHL. The Black Community has been lobbying for years to get central heating installed in all hockey rinks for just this reason, but have yet to be successful.
If you have invited a Black Person to your home and they refuse to leave, just turn the heat off. If it is summer time, use a fire extinguisher. Chilly temperatures are like kryptonite to Black People. The only exceptions to this rule is in relation to beer and ice cream, and even those can be risky (brain freeze has been known to cause fatalities in Black People on more than one occasion).
To say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.
Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.
Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.
However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.
Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.
If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.
If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.
Next to the Cadillac Escalade, the most desired car that Black People would like to own is the British manufactured Bentley.
The problem is that a Bentley, even a used one, is liable to be out of the average Black Person’s price range. That and the fact that most Black People know that a Bentley parked in an urban neighborhood for too long is a Bentley that wants to be stolen.
So most Black People who do not have corporate sponsorship, a record deal or a Hollywood movie contract must relegate themselves to only dreaming about owning a Bentley. But what makes owning a Bentley so much more attractive to Black People than, say, owning an Aston Martin or a Ferrari? The answers may confuse you.
Long story short, owning a Bentley is the absolute epitome of being “baller“. A Black Person can simply not get any more baller than driving down the road in a Bentley sitting on 23 inch rims. This is not to say that owning an Aston Martin or Ferrari isn’t also baller, but a secret panel of Black People that were all recognized as being baller held a vote to determine which automobile was the most baller and the Bentley won out (the Rolls Royce came in second).
Although Black People can certainly enjoy watching a movie that’s not about Black People (apparently the only movie-going group in America that can do this), Black People also occasionally like to see themselves as the heroes or main characters and not just the best friend or the emasculated sidekick.
Here’s an exercise. Name 5 movies that were financed and produced by a Hollywood studio (i.e. not a Tyler Perry movie) in which a Black Person (or any Non-Caucasian Person for that matter) was the main character, had a romantic subplot that ended happily, defeated the villain and didn’t get dead by the time the credits role…
Can’t think of any, can you?
Whenever this commonly known fact is pointed out some people tend to dismiss it as complaining, but it’s really a symptom of a much larger social problem in American Entertainment. You see, while the majority of Americans are perfectly willing to elect a Black Person as their president, Hollywood is nowhere near as progressive or liberal as some of its detractors have painted it to be.
Hollywood runs on money. Every Hollywood movie and every decision that went into making was based on the intent of trying to make as much money as possible. Since Black People make up on 13.4% of the American population, they are still too small of a group for Hollywood to care about. And since Caucasian People are incapable of relating to characters that aren’t also Caucasian besides Will Smith, this problem with persist.
It’s far too easy to write this issue off as racism. That word is far too small to cover such a large issue. Resentment seems more fitting. According to the people that run Hollywood, a man with the looks and girth of a Seth Rogen or a Jonah Hill is far more attractive and desirable to women than a man with the looks and muscle tone of a Will Smith or Denzel Washington could ever dream to be.
Also, according to Hollywood, all attractive Caucasian Females are extremely thin, usually blonde and under the age of 30 while Halle Berry (who is 43 this year) is the only attractive Black Female on the entire planet (women like Gabrielle Union and Naomi Harris are far too dark be considered attractive), so the chances of Hollywood producing a film in which a Black Couple are the main characters, save the world, and survive to live happily ever after seems anemic at best.
So until the day that Black People take over Hollywood, studio executives will continue to employ the “Friends” mentality of See No Black People, Hear No Black People (unless they are about to die a horrible death).
If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.
Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.
As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.
Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.
If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.
When you purchase a car, the first thing you should buy next is car insurance. Unless, of course, you are a Black Person.
If you visit a Black Person’s house, there are a lot of things you can expect to see. 
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Black People and Law Enforcement have always had a pretty tumultuous relationship.
Black People and chilly weather are not best friends. They are not even on speaking terms. If you’ve ever met someone who has hiked up a snowy mountain like 
To say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.
Next to the 
As you know by now, Black People 
If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get 