#70. Birthday Parties

If there’s one special time of year Black People look forward to more than any other, it’s their birthday. The birthday party itself is the perfect excuse for Black People to do plenty of interesting (i.e. stupid) activities they normally would not do.

“But lots of people like to act a fool on their birthdays” is what you may be thinking. True that, but Black People like to take “acting a fool on their birthday” to a whole new level by having more than a little too much to drink, blasting some tunes, and maybe getting to know someone they just met. Birthday parties are also the perfect way to get lots and lots of attention.

#69. Threatening To Go Back To Africa

If you spend enough time around Black People, chances are you will run into one who is so fed up with the many harsh ways they are treated in the United States that they will claim they want to return to Africa.

Well, don’t believe them. Have you actually been to Africa lately? Do you know how much it would cost to ship 24 inch rims to Africa? Or how difficult it is to get your hands on a pair of really expensive tennis shoes or a Cadillac Escalade? Sure, the weather’s warm, but beloved Black activities like owning a puffy coat or bringing up slavery would be pointless.

A Black Person born and raised in the US simply can not function in a place like Africa. Remember that time Michael Jordan went off to play baseball? Same thing. Just a terrible idea all around.

A Black Person who threatens to go back to Africa is just like a Caucasian Person fed up with the US government threatens to move to Canada. They’ll never do. And if they do they’re crazy.

#68. Not Eating Right

This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but Black People like to eat.

“But everyone likes to eat!” you might be saying to yourself. That’s true, nearly 34% of adults are obese in the U.S. But at least 60% of Black males are overweight and 78% of Black females lead the population in obesity.

Ouch. That’s harsh. But what could the cause be? Is it hereditary? Is it because the Black Community accepts larger body sizes? Is it because Black People don’t feel as guilty or ashamed about being overweight as much as other groups? Is it because Black People are less likely to “purge” or take other extreme measures to lose weight? Or is it simply fried chicken?

No. It’s none of these things.

The problem is food itself. Food just tastes too good to Black People. They simply cannot resist free food. If you have wronged a Black Person or wish to make friends with a Black Person, offering them tasty food is the best and easiest way to get in their good graces. Have a lot of Black People you need to impress? Have a cookout/barbecue! You’ll have tons of Black Friends in no time!

However, under no circumstances should you offer a Black Person anything “diet” or “healthy”. To do so will only end in violence. You have been warned.

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#66. Precious

We have already established that Black People love movies and books (especially if they feature other Black People). But what happens when you combine the two?

You get “Precious“.

Why do Black People love Precious so much? “But I thought Black People didn’t like Precious and found the movie’s stereotypes to be terribly offensive and racist?” is what you might be thinking.

And if it is, then you are wrong.

Yes, Precious does feature some pretty racy topics in regards to Black People. Obesity. Rape. Incest. Child abuse. Teen mothers. HIV. Welfare. Poor education. Fried chicken. Pigs feet. Black-eyed peas (not the band).

And that is exactly why the majority of the Black Community cherish the film and book, because it is about and made by/for the Black Community. No way was Angelia Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, or Keira Knightley going to steal the lead role away from a potential Black Actress. So Black People embraced and supported the book and movie.

That and because Oprah said so. When Oprah tells the Black Community to do  something, they must do it. Or else.

#65. Loose Clothing

During slavery, Black People were provided tattered clothing devoid of style or originality (how they survived without expensive tennis shoes back then is anyone’s guess).

And so, now that Black People have their freedom, some naturally want to go right back to the way things used to be. Are you confused? Well, you should be.

When Black People wear tight or form-fitting clothing, they are immediately reminded of their ancestors being chained up and shuttled across the ocean to the Americas in the cramped hulls of slave ships. This can cause some Black People to immediately lose consciousness or break out in hives. The only solution is to wear loose clothing, as not to feel trapped or caged.

Of course, the downside is that this form of fashion makes some Black People look ridiculous.

But similar to how Black People like to be creative in styling their hair and naming their children, they also like to wear their clothes in creative ways. A huge part of Black Culture is about being different (from Caucasian People).

There are certain conditions in which Black People that love loose clothing will give it up for proper clothing…

Actually, no, there’s not. It will never change.

#64. Driving Without Insurance

geico-geckoWhen you purchase a car, the first thing you should buy next is car insurance. Unless, of course, you are a Black Person.

You see, despite the fact that the Black Community is likely to be pulled over far more often than most other groups, Black People still like to believe that they are lucky. And lucky people don’t get into car accidents. So why buy insurance? Or stay at home just because your license is suspended? But these are only small symptoms to a much larger problem.

Black People do not like to allocate money to things they actually need. Car insurance. Health insurance. Social Security. If it doesn’t have wheels, a remote, a controller, can’t be worn or eaten or isn’t made out of gold, chances are a Black Person isn’t interested in spending money on it.

#63. Not Being Haunted By Ghosts

If you visit a Black Person’s house, there are a lot of things you can expect to see. Music CDs. Bootleg DVDs. Hair products. Hot sauce. Malt liquor. Incense. Plenty of interesting things.

But what you will not see is ghosts.

You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.

But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?

No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you a tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.

However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.

This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.

#62. The Black Taco

Black-Jack-Taco-from-Taco-BellUnlike the Black Market or the Black Plague, black has finally been given a suffix that is tasty and delicious and at an affordable price.

The Black Community and Taco Bell have been quite fond of one another for decades, almost as much as Black People and KFC have been. But KFC never made a “Black Combo Meal” or “Black Chicken Sandwich”, so Taco Bell has now become the premiere fast food establishment within the Black Community for finally acknowledging the Black People that eat there by naming a taco after them.

Walk down the street. Ask a Black Person, any Black Person, if they like the Black Taco. Even if they have never even tried one yet, chances are they will still speak fondly of it. Now it is up to McDonald’s to make a “Black Cheeseburger”, Burger King to make a “Black Whopper”, and Wendy’s to simply make something that actually tastes good.

#61. The First 7 Minutes of Chasing Amy

chasing_amyIn 1994, writer/director Kevin Smith was heavily criticized by the Black Community for neglecting to include any Black People in his uproarious feature debut “Clerks“.

However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.

And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).

This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.

The Black Community has accepted this scene as a personal apology from Mr. Smith for neglecting them in his past films (he would later go on to work with Chris Rock and Craig Robinson).

However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).