#60. Disrespecting Law Enforcement

racial_profilingBlack People and Law Enforcement have always had a pretty tumultuous relationship.

Many people (mostly select groups that are Pro-Caucasian People) believe that there would be no crime, rape or murder in the United States if someone would just lock up all those pesky Black People who are genetically predisposed to committing crime.

Assuming this were true, it would point to one of history’s greatest unknown secrets: crimes like theft, murder and rape did not exist in America until after Black People came to this country.

Before Black People set food in the colonies, there was absolutely no criminal activity. But after the emancipation proclamation, 100% of all crimes were committed solely by Black People and directed exclusively against Caucasian People.

So it is no wonder that law enforcement feels the need to pull over and harass someone who happens to be “Driving While Black” even though more than half of rapists are not Black People and serial killers tend to not be Black Males who happen to be interested in police work.

It is also worth mentioning that many of the gangsters who made millions bootlegging during prohibition like Al Capone and Lucky Luciano were secretly Black People. Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, the couple who robbed banks and killed innocent people before being gunned down by police? They were Black People too. The kids who shot up Columbine? Timothy McVeigh? George Sodini? Richard Poplawski? Ryan Alexander Jenkins? Raymond Clark? Charles Stuart? Andrea Yates? Susan Smith? Aileen Wuornos? All Black People.

But should the entire Black Community be blamed for the actions of a few individuals. Well of course they should. Who else is going to take the blame? So disenfranchised Black People will continue to disrespect law enforcement. That is until Hispanic People become the new Black People.

#59. Warm Weather

warm_tropical_weatherBlack People and chilly weather are not best friends. They are not even on speaking terms. If you’ve ever met someone who has hiked up a snowy mountain like Mount Everest or K2, chances are they were not a Black Person. This is because Black People do not hike up snowy mountains (or any mountain, for that matter) in addition to having an aversion to the cold.

Black People are a tropical people. Dark skin does not absorb light and heat as easily as pale skin, so most Black People can only be truly comfortable while operating in warm temperatures.

This, of course, is the sole reason why Black People have not yet been able to conquer the NHL. The Black Community has been lobbying for years to get central heating installed in all hockey rinks for just this reason, but have yet to be successful.

If you have invited a Black Person to your home and they refuse to leave, just turn the heat off. If it is summer time, use a fire extinguisher. Chilly temperatures are like kryptonite to Black People. The only exceptions to this rule is in relation to beer and ice cream, and even those can be risky (brain freeze has been known to cause fatalities in Black People on more than one occasion).

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#57. The Idea of Owning a Bentley

Bentley_ContinentalNext to the Cadillac Escalade, the most desired car that Black People would like to own is the British manufactured Bentley.

The problem is that a Bentley, even a used one, is liable to be out of the average Black Person’s price range. That and the fact that most Black People know that a Bentley parked in an urban neighborhood for too long is a Bentley that wants to be stolen.

So most Black People who do not have corporate sponsorship, a record deal or a Hollywood movie contract must relegate themselves to only dreaming about owning a Bentley. But what makes owning a Bentley so much more attractive to Black People than, say, owning an Aston Martin or a Ferrari? The answers may confuse you.

Long story short, owning a Bentley is the absolute epitome of being “baller“. A Black Person can simply not get any more baller than driving down the road in a Bentley sitting on 23 inch rims. This is not to say that owning an Aston Martin or Ferrari isn’t also baller, but a secret panel of Black People that were all recognized as being baller held a vote to determine which automobile was the most baller and the Bentley won out (the Rolls Royce came in second).

#56. Movies Where The Black Guy Gets The Girl, Kills The Bad Guy and Saves The World

id4_independence_dayAs you know by now, Black People love movies. However, movies don’t seem to love Black People very much.

Although Black People can certainly enjoy watching a movie that’s not about Black People (apparently the only movie-going group in America that can do this), Black People also occasionally like to see themselves as the heroes or main characters and not just the best friend or the emasculated sidekick.

Here’s an exercise. Name 5 movies that were financed and produced by a Hollywood studio (i.e. not a Tyler Perry movie) in which a Black Person (or any Non-Caucasian Person for that matter) was the main character, had a romantic subplot that ended happily, defeated the villain and didn’t get dead by the time the credits role…

Can’t think of any, can you?

Whenever this commonly known fact is pointed out some people tend to dismiss it as complaining, but it’s really a symptom of a much larger social problem in American Entertainment. You see, while the majority of Americans are perfectly willing to elect a Black Person as their president, Hollywood is nowhere near as progressive or liberal as some of its detractors have painted it to be.

Hollywood runs on money. Every Hollywood movie and every decision that went into making was based on the intent of trying to make as much money as possible. Since Black People make up on 13.4% of the American population, they are still too small of a group for Hollywood to care about. And since Caucasian People are incapable of relating to characters that aren’t also Caucasian besides Will Smith, this problem with persist.

It’s far too easy to write this issue off as racism. That word is far too small to cover such a large issue. Resentment seems more fitting. According to the people that run Hollywood, a man with the looks and girth of a Seth Rogen or a Jonah Hill is far more attractive and desirable to women than a man with the looks and muscle tone of a Will Smith or Denzel Washington could ever dream to be.

Also, according to Hollywood, all attractive Caucasian Females are extremely thin, usually blonde and under the age of 30 while Halle Berry (who is 43 this year) is the only attractive Black Female on the entire planet (women like Gabrielle Union and Naomi Harris are far too dark be considered attractive), so the chances of Hollywood producing a film in which a Black Couple are the main characters, save the world, and survive to live happily ever after seems anemic at best.

So until the day that Black People take over Hollywood, studio executives will continue to employ the “Friends” mentality of See No Black People, Hear No Black People (unless they are about to die a horrible death).

#55. Getting Drunk

colt_45If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.

Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.

As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.

Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.

If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.

#54. Not Getting Married

wedding-ringWhen it comes to the subject of marriage, Black People have a very unique story to tell.

During slavery, when a Black Couple wanted to get married they were out of luck because it was illegal for slaves to marry, so the ritual of “jumping the broom” was invented as a symbolic gesture (it is assumed the game of limbo was created when a large number of slaves got divorced).

There are 40.9 million Black People in America. More than 1 million Black Males are incarcerated and are thus out of the dating pool, while educated Black Females seem to be putting their education and careers first, as well as refusing to date outside of their race. What’s the deal with Black People and marriage?

Well, the most obvious reasons why Black People don’t dig getting married is judgment and responsibility.

Black People, usually Black Females, have extremely poor judgment when it comes to choosing a spouse, hence why the term “baby mama” has become so popular. Black Females are also 10 times more likely to be romanced by a “thug” or “baller” with no apparent future or prospects who very clearly has no intention of ever getting married or taking responsibility for any children born out of wedlock.

Also Black People, usually Black Males, have suffered a habitual problem with not taking responsibility for the children they father and have instead opted to have children by multiple women instead or, in other words, have endorsed polygamy (minus the marriage part). Many Black Males have been raised exclusively by their mothers and have no real concept of what a father is and are doomed to follow that terrible example.

However, there are solutions that can improve the rate of marriage among Black People, but they seem to rest almost exclusively in the hands of Black Females. Black Males are still males, after all, and it is nearly impossible for them to change their ways short of mind control.

The easiest solution would be for Black Females, namely the educated ones, to open themselves up to pursuing romantic relationships with Non-Black People, but since that has very little chance of actually happening, Black Females could resign themselves to remaining celibate until their wedding night. But since that also has almost zero chance of ever happening, the only solution left would be for The President to issue an executive order for more Black People to marry each other.

Sadly, that probably wouldn’t work either. The search for more realistic solutions to get a Black Person to marry another Black Person is still ongoing.

#53. Internet Dating Websites

internet_datingNearly everything a Black Person says, does or buys usually has something to do with Black People’s insatiable genetic desire to procreate.

But going to bars or clubs to find a potential mate is no longer the first line of attack for Black People to achieve this. Thanks to the Internet, dating websites have given Black People a new way to engage in questionable romantic entanglements.

Websites like MySpace, Face Book, Tagged and Black Planet are just a few online venues Black People explore on the road to initiating the mating ritual dance.

If you see a Black Person between the ages of 16 and 45 using a computer, chances are they are looking at or have recently visited an online dating or socializing website with the express intent of finding someone to date. If a Black Person in this same age range has an e-mail address, chances are they only got it because the internet dating website they went to required one in order to become a member.

Of course, lots of different kinds of people also prowl internet dating websites in search of a girlfriend/boyfriend or perhaps even a spouse. Not Black People, though, who use internet dating websites exclusively for hooking up (also known as a “one night stand” ).

#52. Hoodies

adidas-hoodieIt is a well known fact that Black People do not enjoy cold weather, so when the temperature starts to drop they must dress appropriately. But sometimes it may not be cold enough to wear a puffy coat all the time, which is where hoodies come in handy.

Black People love to wear loose clothing, so hoodies usually make for a comfortable fit. Its front pouch negates the need for gloves and the hood can be conveniently used to help conceal one’s identity or quickly cover one’s head for fear of their hair getting wet.

Not to mention the fact that hoodies are quite often worn by Black People who are considered to be “baller“. Wearing a tucked in shirt or a suit and tie is not at all baller (unless the shirt is laced with diamonds glued to the fabric or the suit is lime green and ridiculously loud and expensive).

When a Black Person chooses to wear a hoodie in an environment where it would seem to be the least appropriate thing to wear (job interview, child custody hearing, etc) it communicates to the world that, no matter what, they are keeping it real.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.