Blog Archives

#69. Threatening To Go Back To Africa

If you spend enough time around Black People, chances are you will run into one who is so fed up with the many harsh ways they are treated in the United States that they will claim they want to return to Africa.

Well, don’t believe them. Have you actually been to Africa lately? Do you know how much it would cost to ship 24 inch rims to Africa? Or how difficult it is to get your hands on a pair of really expensive tennis shoes or a Cadillac Escalade? Sure, the weather’s warm, but beloved Black activities like owning a puffy coat or bringing up slavery would be pointless.

A Black Person born and raised in the US simply can not function in a place like Africa. Remember that time Michael Jordan went off to play baseball? Same thing. Just a terrible idea all around.

A Black Person who threatens to go back to Africa is just like a Caucasian Person fed up with the US government threatens to move to Canada. They’ll never do. And if they do they’re crazy.

#37. Having Indian In Their Family

indiansAlthough Black People take great pride in being Black and are always mindful of their African heritage, there is also an unusual generational practice throughout the Black Community of advertising (more like bragging) that they have Native American ancestors.

Different from how some Caucasian People like to claim their British, French, German, Scottish or Irish ancestries (which is not unlike claiming to have “California” or “Texas” ancestry), Black People like to claim they have Native American ancestry for many different reasons, paramount of which being that Native Americans are known to have “good hair”.

The other major reason being that the ancestors of both Black People and Native Americans have been seriously wronged by Caucasian People in the past, most notably slavery, Manifest Destiny and the Trail of Tears. Not to mention the fact that both groups have been repeatedly demonized in old American movies for decades; Black People being portrayed as fools working menial jobs and Native Americans being portrayed as savage killers that rape and kidnap Caucasian Females.

Both groups are also routinely mislabeled by most of American Society; Native Americans are commonly referred to as “Indians” (even by Black People) and Black People are usually referred to as “African Americans” (even if they were born and raised in Canada).

However, if a Black Person does claim to have Native American ancestry and it is pretty obvious that isn’t true, do not under any circumstances call them on it. Challenging a Black Person’s Native American lineage can only end in violence.

#3. Incense

incenseYou may not know it, but it is a commonly held truism that Black People have a heightened, almost super-human sense of smell. Good scents can smell up to two or three times better to a Black Person, and bad scents can smell up to four or five times worse to a Black Person.

The solution? Incense! The average Black Person finds common air fresheners and air sponges extremely lacking and too costly to be effective. Incense is cheap, strong, cheap, lasts fairly long, and let’s not forget it’s pretty cheap. Its smoky emission can also be used as a good masking agent for those Black people who are more, ahem, marijuana-inclined.

If you know a Black Person and you’re not sure what to get them for their birthday or the holiday, get them lots and lots of incense, preferably the thick home-made kind with a symbol of Africa on the package. But don’t go overboard or it may be seen a romantic gesture.

#1. Being Black

blackpowerIt’s no secret. The most popular conversation among Black People is, of course, what it’s like to be Black in America.

It’s easy to say, “But every group likes to talk about how their culture is the best, by they Jewish, Irish, Hispanic, etc”. However, Black People take it to a whole new level.

When Black People congregate, the only acceptable topic of discussion is the current status of Black People in the world; sports, music, entertainment and (to a far lesser extent) politics. And when in the company of non-Blacks, Black People will do pretty much everything humanly possible to steer the conversation to a Black-themed topic, and make the non-Blacks feels guilty or racist for not switching to the Black-themed topic earlier.

The average Black Person models their entire life around the idea of achieving a totally pure “Black Existence”. Go to a Black Person’s house and chances are you will find a picture of a Black Jesus hanging on the wall or Africa-themed decor (rugs, chairs, artwork, slipcovers, etc). Look at a Black Person’s movie shelf. Chances are you will see DVD copies of “Friday”, “Boyz n the Hood”, “Menace II Society”, “Undercover Brother”, etc. These films remind a Black Person that they are Black and proud of it.

Open a Black Person’s refrigerator. Chances are you won’t find many things classified as “health food”. This is because Black People can only eat foods that are bad for them that will cause high blood pressure, excessive weight gain and diabetes, or in other words “Soul Food”.

Steal a look at a Black Person’s iPod or MP3 player. Chances are you won’t find anything from The Beatles or KISS. Why? Because those bands clearly aren’t Black. A Black Person can only listen to “Black” designated music like Rap, R&B, Reggae or even Jazz (although only if you’re an “Old Head”). For a Black Person to listen to Rock & Roll or Classical music is blasphemous and could result in expulsion from the Black Community.