Blog Archives

#57. The Idea of Owning a Bentley

Bentley_ContinentalNext to the Cadillac Escalade, the most desired car that Black People would like to own is the British manufactured Bentley.

The problem is that a Bentley, even a used one, is liable to be out of the average Black Person’s price range. That and the fact that most Black People know that a Bentley parked in an urban neighborhood for too long is a Bentley that wants to be stolen.

So most Black People who do not have corporate sponsorship, a record deal or a Hollywood movie contract must relegate themselves to only dreaming about owning a Bentley. But what makes owning a Bentley so much more attractive to Black People than, say, owning an Aston Martin or a Ferrari? The answers may confuse you.

Long story short, owning a Bentley is the absolute epitome of being “baller“. A Black Person can simply not get any more baller than driving down the road in a Bentley sitting on 23 inch rims. This is not to say that owning an Aston Martin or Ferrari isn’t also baller, but a secret panel of Black People that were all recognized as being baller held a vote to determine which automobile was the most baller and the Bentley won out (the Rolls Royce came in second).

#52. Hoodies

adidas-hoodieIt is a well known fact that Black People do not enjoy cold weather, so when the temperature starts to drop they must dress appropriately. But sometimes it may not be cold enough to wear a puffy coat all the time, which is where hoodies come in handy.

Black People love to wear loose clothing, so hoodies usually make for a comfortable fit. Its front pouch negates the need for gloves and the hood can be conveniently used to help conceal one’s identity or quickly cover one’s head for fear of their hair getting wet.

Not to mention the fact that hoodies are quite often worn by Black People who are considered to be “baller“. Wearing a tucked in shirt or a suit and tie is not at all baller (unless the shirt is laced with diamonds glued to the fabric or the suit is lime green and ridiculously loud and expensive).

When a Black Person chooses to wear a hoodie in an environment where it would seem to be the least appropriate thing to wear (job interview, child custody hearing, etc) it communicates to the world that, no matter what, they are keeping it real.

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.

#23. Big Face Watches

bigfacewatchIf you have been interacting with Black People for an extended period of time (forced or otherwise), you may have noticed that some of them tend to wear oversized watches.

Your first thought may have been that those particular Black People have poor eyesight and need watches with a bigger face to better see the time. If that was indeed your first thought then you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Not even close.

Black People like big face watches simply because it’s “baller“. Rhythmic Musicians (also known as “rappers“) are responsible for the increased desire in the Black Community to acquire and own this flashy article of jewelry.

This, unfortunately, does not impact a Black Person’s ability to reach a predetermined destination at the appointed hour (aka “CP Time“).

#21. Lotion and Chapstick

lotion_chapstickIf you are not a Black Person, you may not be aware that Black People can easily contract a fairly common yet horrible skin condition known as “being ashy” and often times their lips can get extremely chapped, or “crusty”.

For a Black Person to go out in public with ashy skin and crusty lips is a terrible criminal offense to all Black People and ranks right up there with owning a Prius and dating a Caucasian Person.

Everyone gets dry skin, but Black People get dry skin 88.8% more than most other groups, so Black People have decided to turn it into a huge issue. The only way that Black People can combat ashy skin and crusty lips is to have a travel bottle of lotion (preferably Lubriderm) and at least two sticks of chapstick on their person at all times (but not the cheap Dollar Store stuff, but the CVS or Rite Aid high quality expensive stuff).

Note: A Black Person can not achieve “baller” status with ashy skin and crusty lips. The only thing they can achieve is getting laughed at and made fun of by properly moisturized and lubricated Black People.

#20. Puffy Coats

puffycoatIf you are a Non-Black Person, seeing Black People in the snowy winter months must seem very strange to you. While you are still wearing shorts and sandals, Black People are wearing thick winter clothing and freezing their butts off. What’s the deal?

This, of course, can be traced back to slavery.

You see, Black People are a tropical group by nature. Dark skin can not absorb heat from the sun as easily as pale skin can. The downside is that Black People tend to feel 37% colder during the winter months than Non-Black People, which means they need extra thick clothing to keep warm, i.e. puffy coats.

Sure, Black People could wear reasonably-sized coats and still keep warm, but what you must understand is that when it comes to Black People, anything that’s worth doing is worth overdoing in the never ending quest to be “baller“.

#13. Making Fun of People Who Own a Prius

priusBlack People hate the Toyota Prius. And they hate the people that drive them even more.

But why? Why must Black People discriminate and make fun of Prius owners? because the Toyota Prius is almost the exact opposite of the Cadillac Escalade; it’s small, quiet, environmentally friendly, and gets great gas millage. But of course, the harsh reality is that the Toyota Prius is simply not “baller“, and Black People can not and will not endorse anything that’s obviously not “baller”.

But if there’s one key reason why Black People hate the Toyota Prius and make fun of the people that own them it’s this: you can’t put 23 inch rims on them! A Black Person can not be expected to like a car they can’t put 23 inch rims on! it’s scandals!

And if you do see a Black Person driving a Prius it’s because the car salesman threatened to kill the Black Person’s family if they didn’t drive the car off the lot at that very moment. There is no other logical explanation. Even if a Black Person were being chased by a mad serial killer and had to choose between making their getaway on foot or in a Prius, the Black Person would choose to run away in their expensive white tennis shoes rather than be seen driving a Prius 100% of the time.

#12. Cadillac Escalades

escaladeThere are many mysteries in the universe. Who really shot JFK? What really happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And why do Black People really love the Cadillac Escalade so much? The answer may surprise you.

“It’s baller“. It’s that simple.

Black People have a high propensity to spend their hard-earned money on stupid and expense things they have no business buying and the Cadillac Escalade is right at the top of the list. Some Black People don’t even know themselves why they would want such a large, overpriced vehicle with extremely poor gas mileage that is liable to bring every car thief within a 20 mile radius out of the woodwork. Common sense should convince Black People to stop buying these vehicles, but everyone knows that common sense and Black People don’t always get along.

The only other explanation must be that Black People secretly enjoy getting pulled over by the police, because that’s exactly what’s in store for any Black Person that plans to drive one of these vehicles down the freeway with 23 inch rims and music blasting. The police don’t even need probable cause anymore, because a Black Person driving a Cadillac Escalade must be up to something.

#4. Expensive Tennis Shoes

expensiveshoes

Let’s face it, everyone loves wearing expensive shoes. They look good, feel good (sometimes), and if you have the money to afford them you must be doing pretty good financially (or have access to lots of money).

However, wearing expensive tennis shoes in the Black Community isn’t just a fashion statement, it’s a status symbol. The same way a Black Person will put ridiculously expensive rims on a ridiculously inexpensive or downright ugly piece of junk vehicle, a Black Person will blow their entire checking account on a pair of Brand New white and clean-looking Nikes (or whichever brand is in style at the moment) and wear them in an environment they know full well will ensure their shoes won’t stay white, Brand New or clean-looking for very long in a vain and foolish attempt to look “fly” or “baller” (looking “fly” or “baller” at all times is extremely crucial to every Black Person).

It’s also no surprise that females in the Black Community usually decide which man they will decide to get pregnant by depending on how expensive his shoes are, for if a man can afford expensive shoes he must surely be able to financially support a child and the mother it came from.

This is why it has become increasingly dangerous to frequent any establishment where a large amount of Black People are wearing expensive tennis shoes because it increases the chances of said shoes being scuffed or stepped on, resulting in a disastrous situation that will always end in violence 100% of the time.