Blog Archives

#54. Not Getting Married

wedding-ringWhen it comes to the subject of marriage, Black People have a very unique story to tell.

During slavery, when a Black Couple wanted to get married they were out of luck because it was illegal for slaves to marry, so the ritual of “jumping the broom” was invented as a symbolic gesture (it is assumed the game of limbo was created when a large number of slaves got divorced).

There are 40.9 million Black People in America. More than 1 million Black Males are incarcerated and are thus out of the dating pool, while educated Black Females seem to be putting their education and careers first, as well as refusing to date outside of their race. What’s the deal with Black People and marriage?

Well, the most obvious reasons why Black People don’t dig getting married is judgment and responsibility.

Black People, usually Black Females, have extremely poor judgment when it comes to choosing a spouse, hence why the term “baby mama” has become so popular. Black Females are also 10 times more likely to be romanced by a “thug” or “baller” with no apparent future or prospects who very clearly has no intention of ever getting married or taking responsibility for any children born out of wedlock.

Also Black People, usually Black Males, have suffered a habitual problem with not taking responsibility for the children they father and have instead opted to have children by multiple women instead or, in other words, have endorsed polygamy (minus the marriage part). Many Black Males have been raised exclusively by their mothers and have no real concept of what a father is and are doomed to follow that terrible example.

However, there are solutions that can improve the rate of marriage among Black People, but they seem to rest almost exclusively in the hands of Black Females. Black Males are still males, after all, and it is nearly impossible for them to change their ways short of mind control.

The easiest solution would be for Black Females, namely the educated ones, to open themselves up to pursuing romantic relationships with Non-Black People, but since that has very little chance of actually happening, Black Females could resign themselves to remaining celibate until their wedding night. But since that also has almost zero chance of ever happening, the only solution left would be for The President to issue an executive order for more Black People to marry each other.

Sadly, that probably wouldn’t work either. The search for more realistic solutions to get a Black Person to marry another Black Person is still ongoing.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.

#42. Attention

interruptionYou already know that Black People talk loud because they feel their voices are not being heard by society. But even when a Black Person knows their voice is being heard, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Sometimes they have to go that extra mile and illegally cross the border from “loud” and migrate into “obnoxious” territory.

These Black People are commonly known as “attention whores“.

Granted, anyone can be an attention whore, but Black People don’t settle for being “just” an attention whore, they have to be “the” attention whore. This goes far beyond complaining and talking loud. These particular Black People are trying to reach the level of what The President would refer to as being “a jackass“.

These particular Black People tend to be well off or feel some overwhelming sense of prestige or entitlement that allows them to fulfill the need to act a fool (i.e. stereotypical) and be a nuisance to everyone within earshot. But what really makes these particular attention-hungry Black People different from most other groups is that you can only call them on their jackassness if you are also a Black Person, otherwise you will be labeled a racist.

#27. Refering To Celebrities By Their First Names

denzelThere is a persistent myth that has been circulating for years that all Black People know each other. That, somehow, the Black Community shares a collective consciousness, a hive mind in which they are all connected and are aware of each other.

This, of course, is 100% true.

The most damming evidence being that Black People refer to other Black People they have never met by their first names. “Denzel”, “Halle”, “Beyoncé”, “Barack”, “Oprah” and  the list goes on.

Black People refer to these famous personalities by their first names because Black People are mentally connected to each other and share each other’s thoughts. This is also why. when a Black Person does something terrible like commit a serious crime, that the entire Black Community is to blame and must take full responsibility for not contacting that particular Black Person with telepathy and telling him or her not to commit the terrible crime.

It is also widely believed that “marijuana” can heighten the telepathic link between large groups of Black People, but the side effects that come with this practice (sleepiness, increased appetite, impaired motor skills) seriously reduces Black People’s ability to harness this superhuman power for good.

However, experiments with marijuana, or “weed“, are still ongoing.

#24. Discriminating Against Interracial Couples

heidi-sealDespite the fact that virtually all Black People in America have ancestors that are not Black (i.e. slavery), and despite the fact that many famous personalities that are popular with Black People come from an interracial background (Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, The Rock, Vin Diesel, The President), the sight of a Black Person in an intimate embrace with someone that is not Black still sends a cold chill up a Black Person’s spine. But why? The answer is more complex than you might think.

Black Hate towards interracial couples is perhaps one of, if not the biggest controversy in the Black Community, but it is not without nuance. Black People are permitted to have intimate contact with the following Non-Black groups: Asian People, Spanish/Mexican People, Samoan People, Indian People, Native American People, dark-skinned Italian People, Aboriginal People and Jewish People with extremely curly hair.

Black People are not permitted to have intimate contact with the following Non-Black groups: Caucasian People.

The most despised combination is of course the Black Male and the Caucasian Female, even if it’s only in a fiction sense (just as Wesley Snipes). Because of the large number of incarcerated Black Males in America (over 1 million), the ratio of available Black Females to Black Males can be as high as 7 to 1 in some cases. And since the vast majority of Black Females can not possibly imagine living their lives without a Black Male to complain to their girlfriends about, many Black Females see interracial couples as threatening their personal happiness (even if the Black Female in question is already in a long-term relationship).

That and the Black Community’s ongoing resentment towards Caucasian People over slavery. Jewish People didn’t stop being intimate with Caucasian People after the holocaust, but Black People seem hellbent on limiting their romantic options and choosing to be alone rather than embrace Caucasian People as possible life partners. But Black People’s overwhelming propensity for “boning” will ultimately make this form of discrimination obsolete.

#17. Obamawear

obamawearIt goes without saying that Black People love the new president (did you know he’s Black?). But it’s the intensity in which Black People love the new president that is most telling.

It is common knowledge that Black People can love things up to 9% more than most other groups of people, so it’s no wonder that Black People choose to express their love for the new president in the most sacred way possible: clothing.

The same way certain Caucasian People like to advertise their political views in the form of bumper stickers on their pickup trucks, Black People like to wear theirs in the form of a walking talking human billboard. Shirts, caps, wristbands, you name it. If you were to pick a random Black Person off the street and take a look into their closet you would most certainly find at least one item of clothing with the new president’s name or face on it.

Black People have a spiritual connection with the clothing they choose to wear. What a Black Person wears in public can tell you everything you need to know about that particular Black Person. So when they choose to advertise the newly elected president by wearing his name or likeness, they are letting everyone know they are Black, will never vote Republican, and are in love with the fact that the new president is a Black Person like them, and “that’s what’s up“.