Blog Archives

#59. Warm Weather

warm_tropical_weatherBlack People and chilly weather are not best friends. They are not even on speaking terms. If you’ve ever met someone who has hiked up a snowy mountain like Mount Everest or K2, chances are they were not a Black Person. This is because Black People do not hike up snowy mountains (or any mountain, for that matter) in addition to having an aversion to the cold.

Black People are a tropical people. Dark skin does not absorb light and heat as easily as pale skin, so most Black People can only be truly comfortable while operating in warm temperatures.

This, of course, is the sole reason why Black People have not yet been able to conquer the NHL. The Black Community has been lobbying for years to get central heating installed in all hockey rinks for just this reason, but have yet to be successful.

If you have invited a Black Person to your home and they refuse to leave, just turn the heat off. If it is summer time, use a fire extinguisher. Chilly temperatures are like kryptonite to Black People. The only exceptions to this rule is in relation to beer and ice cream, and even those can be risky (brain freeze has been known to cause fatalities in Black People on more than one occasion).

#55. Getting Drunk

colt_45If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.

Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.

As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.

Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.

If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.