Blog Archives

#68. Not Eating Right

This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but Black People like to eat.

“But everyone likes to eat!” you might be saying to yourself. That’s true, nearly 34% of adults are obese in the U.S. But at least 60% of Black males are overweight and 78% of Black females lead the population in obesity.

Ouch. That’s harsh. But what could the cause be? Is it hereditary? Is it because the Black Community accepts larger body sizes? Is it because Black People don’t feel as guilty or ashamed about being overweight as much as other groups? Is it because Black People are less likely to “purge” or take other extreme measures to lose weight? Or is it simply fried chicken?

No. It’s none of these things.

The problem is food itself. Food just tastes too good to Black People. They simply cannot resist free food. If you have wronged a Black Person or wish to make friends with a Black Person, offering them tasty food is the best and easiest way to get in their good graces. Have a lot of Black People you need to impress? Have a cookout/barbecue! You’ll have tons of Black Friends in no time!

However, under no circumstances should you offer a Black Person anything “diet” or “healthy”. To do so will only end in violence. You have been warned.

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#66. Precious

We have already established that Black People love movies and books (especially if they feature other Black People). But what happens when you combine the two?

You get “Precious“.

Why do Black People love Precious so much? “But I thought Black People didn’t like Precious and found the movie’s stereotypes to be terribly offensive and racist?” is what you might be thinking.

And if it is, then you are wrong.

Yes, Precious does feature some pretty racy topics in regards to Black People. Obesity. Rape. Incest. Child abuse. Teen mothers. HIV. Welfare. Poor education. Fried chicken. Pigs feet. Black-eyed peas (not the band).

And that is exactly why the majority of the Black Community cherish the film and book, because it is about and made by/for the Black Community. No way was Angelia Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, or Keira Knightley going to steal the lead role away from a potential Black Actress. So Black People embraced and supported the book and movie.

That and because Oprah said so. When Oprah tells the Black Community to do  something, they must do it. Or else.

#65. Loose Clothing

During slavery, Black People were provided tattered clothing devoid of style or originality (how they survived without expensive tennis shoes back then is anyone’s guess).

And so, now that Black People have their freedom, some naturally want to go right back to the way things used to be. Are you confused? Well, you should be.

When Black People wear tight or form-fitting clothing, they are immediately reminded of their ancestors being chained up and shuttled across the ocean to the Americas in the cramped hulls of slave ships. This can cause some Black People to immediately lose consciousness or break out in hives. The only solution is to wear loose clothing, as not to feel trapped or caged.

Of course, the downside is that this form of fashion makes some Black People look ridiculous.

But similar to how Black People like to be creative in styling their hair and naming their children, they also like to wear their clothes in creative ways. A huge part of Black Culture is about being different (from Caucasian People).

There are certain conditions in which Black People that love loose clothing will give it up for proper clothing…

Actually, no, there’s not. It will never change.

#62. The Black Taco

Black-Jack-Taco-from-Taco-BellUnlike the Black Market or the Black Plague, black has finally been given a suffix that is tasty and delicious and at an affordable price.

The Black Community and Taco Bell have been quite fond of one another for decades, almost as much as Black People and KFC have been. But KFC never made a “Black Combo Meal” or “Black Chicken Sandwich”, so Taco Bell has now become the premiere fast food establishment within the Black Community for finally acknowledging the Black People that eat there by naming a taco after them.

Walk down the street. Ask a Black Person, any Black Person, if they like the Black Taco. Even if they have never even tried one yet, chances are they will still speak fondly of it. Now it is up to McDonald’s to make a “Black Cheeseburger”, Burger King to make a “Black Whopper”, and Wendy’s to simply make something that actually tastes good.

#61. The First 7 Minutes of Chasing Amy

chasing_amyIn 1994, writer/director Kevin Smith was heavily criticized by the Black Community for neglecting to include any Black People in his uproarious feature debut “Clerks“.

However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.

And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).

This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.

The Black Community has accepted this scene as a personal apology from Mr. Smith for neglecting them in his past films (he would later go on to work with Chris Rock and Craig Robinson).

However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).

#59. Warm Weather

warm_tropical_weatherBlack People and chilly weather are not best friends. They are not even on speaking terms. If you’ve ever met someone who has hiked up a snowy mountain like Mount Everest or K2, chances are they were not a Black Person. This is because Black People do not hike up snowy mountains (or any mountain, for that matter) in addition to having an aversion to the cold.

Black People are a tropical people. Dark skin does not absorb light and heat as easily as pale skin, so most Black People can only be truly comfortable while operating in warm temperatures.

This, of course, is the sole reason why Black People have not yet been able to conquer the NHL. The Black Community has been lobbying for years to get central heating installed in all hockey rinks for just this reason, but have yet to be successful.

If you have invited a Black Person to your home and they refuse to leave, just turn the heat off. If it is summer time, use a fire extinguisher. Chilly temperatures are like kryptonite to Black People. The only exceptions to this rule is in relation to beer and ice cream, and even those can be risky (brain freeze has been known to cause fatalities in Black People on more than one occasion).

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#55. Getting Drunk

colt_45If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.

Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.

As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.

Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.

If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.