Blog Archives

#48. Friday

fridayIt is common knowledge that no feature film with a cast made up mostly of Black People will ever win an Oscar. Steven Spielberg directed The Color Purple and the Academy couldn’t even give that film one single win out of seven nominations.

But if there is one film that Black People wish had won the Academy Award for Best Picture, it’s “Friday”.

Friday is perhaps the single greatest movie ever made according to the Black Community, even topping Scarface in most circles. This film embodies nearly every aspect of an authentic Black American living experience. Unemployment, alcohol, cannabis, the hood, stereotypes, drug dealers, racism, gang shootings, cereal, a rapper trying to act, women with big butts, and the Black Main Character actually gets the girl in the end (unlike most Denzel Washington and Will Smith movies).

If you are not a Black Person and you intend on interacting with Black People on a regular basis, you must watch Friday and you must not only enjoy it, but publicly state verbally or on the Internet that it is one of the single greatest movies ever made. Otherwise you may as well just wear a white sheet over your head and have a swastika tattooed onto your body. Saying that you hate Friday will result in the exact same reaction in Black People.

#47. Complicated Handshakes

black_handshakeIf you didn’t know by now, all Black People have an inherent sense of creativity. This extends to many facets of Black Culture, none so obvious as the Black Handshake.

But why must Black People over-complicate a simple greeting like a handshake? Well, because they can. That and it makes an otherwise simple gesture and distinguishes it as being exclusively Black, so that when other Non-Black People see a really impressive Black Handshake they will be instantly envious of Black People and will render simple handshakes as deeply unsatisfying.

Some scholars even believe that the Black Handshake could ultimately lead to the end of racism. Yes, really. You see, Non-Black People are so enamored with Black Handshakes that they will do almost anything to learn how to perform them, even putting their prejudice views aside in favor of being taught this unique handshake. Then they can show it off their new-found skill to all of their friends as proof that they have actually spent time with Black People outside of a work environment (an amazing achievement for any Non-Black Person).

#41. The Idea Of Tiger Woods

tiger-woodsIt is a commonly held truism that Black People never played golf until Tiger Woods, a Black Person, systematically conquered the sport. This is 100% true.

It has long since been a key agenda of the Black Community to be the undisputed champion of every sport ever created in the history of mankind, except of course hockey (Black People despise playing sports in cold temperatures). Ever since Jesse Owens disproved Nazi propaganda that Black People were physically inferior to Aryan People by winning four gold metals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, the Black Community has made it a top priority to continue to be the best in all physically events if only to annoy Aryan People.

Black People dig the idea of Tiger Woods because he is living breathing proof of something that all Black People believe to be true, that no matter what, a Black Person will always be the best in any physical activity that involves a ball: football, baseball, basketball, tennis, etc (note: hockey has a puck, not a ball). Even though Black People don’t really like to watch or play golf or tennis or soccer that much, they still like to know that if they did ever decide to play it that they would kick serious butt no matter what just because they are a Black Person.

#40. Nails

longnailsIf hair care is one of the biggest preoccupations in the Black Community, then nail care would rank right up there alongside it.

Why do Black People (most notably Black Females) dig long nails so much? There actually isn’t any rational reason why Black People like ridiculously long finger and toe nails. Really. No reason at all. It makes it increasingly difficult to pick up and hold things, as well as making it near impossible to run or defend one’s self when someone feels the need to show off their unregistered handgun at the club (usually a result of having their expensive tennis shoes stepped on).

Scientists have deduced that a Black Female’s desire to obtain long hair has somehow been allowed to carry over into other feminine signs of beauty, such as nails. But like anything worth doing, Black People must always go that extra mile and take things just a little too far. More like a lot too far.

This is compounded by the fact that Black Females that grow their nails super long are usually employed at jobs where they depend greatly on the use of their hands (answering phones, typing, hair care, etc).

Other scientists believe that, not unlike how Black Males wear their hats crooked, that a Black Female grows her nails extra long to indicate to Black Males that they are ready to partake in the Black version of the mating ritual dance. Scientific research on this subject is still ongoing.

#39. Bald Heads

michael_jordanBecause genetics has a cruel sense of humor, many adult males across the world suffer from one of the most debilitating and embarrassing afflictions ever know: Male Pattern Baldness.

But unlike Asian Males and Caucasian Males, Black Males do not even have the option of employing the comb over. However, Black People have developed their own solution: going completely bald!

The Bald Head Look has become insanely popular within the Black Community to the point where Black Males who may otherwise have a full head of hair choose to go totally bald anyway! Famous Black People like Michael Jordan and Samuel L. Jackson have practically turned The Bald Head Look into a fashion statement.

But even taking it one step further, Black People embrace The Bald Head Look for an entirely different reason: not that many Caucasian Males can pull it off. If a Caucasian Male goes bald he will usually make one of two impressions: he is a skinhead or a cancer patient. The Bald Head Look has also become an aphrodisiac to Black Females who get a sexual thrill when they drag their fingers across a Black Male’s bald scalp.

In short, if a Black Male does not have good hair but still wishes to be “baller“, all he has to do is shave his head and will automatically have absolutely no problem finding a date the following night.

#38. Tyler Perry

madeaThere has been much debate, speculation and controversy as to why Black People dig Tyler Perry so. If you are not a Black Person, this must seem especially baffling. You probably have no interest in seeing Tyler Perry’s “films” or maybe have seen one and found it to be extremely distasteful. Yet, Tyler Perry continues to top the Box Office with every single theatrical release. How can this be? The answer is very simple.

Thanks to Jaws and Star Wars, Hollywood movies usually targets only one group of people: Young Caucasian Males. Women, minorities, and adults over 45 have been routinely belittled or ignored at the Box Office. Tyler Perry as successfully tapped a large part of this market.

We already know that Black People love movies just as much as every other group (see: #7. Bootleg DVDs and #18. Talking During The Movie), but when a Black Person decides to venture out to the theater to see one, it can be an extremely frustrating experience since Hollywood refuses to acknowledge the Black Community.

Then came Tyler Perry, who turned his successful stage plays into movies that appeal almost exclusively to Black Christian Females. Every single movie Tyler Perry movie has been a Box Office hit despite unanimously bad reviews and almost zero advertising, which has angered many Non-Black People. How could someone possibly make the same type of movie over and over again with huge Box Office returns (aside from Judd Apatow)?

Quite simply, until Hollywood figures out that middle class Black People (specifically Black Females) really do love movies and are willing to spend money on arguably bad films for the chance to see themselves on the big screen, Tyler Perry will continue to make gobs of money thanks to his loyal Black Christian Female fanbase.

NOTE: If you are not a Black Person, publicly criticizing Tyler Perry in any way, shape or form will label you a racist by the Black Community (and will get you exiled to Canada if you are a Black Person).

#35. Having Rhythm

dancing_smithThere is a very common stereotype that all Black People know how to dance. Not only is this 100% true, but this is a stereotype that Black People actually take great pride in.

One of the main reasons why Black People have rhythm is because they are born with it and have a genetically advanced sense of bodily coordination (Black People can have anywhere from four to six times the coordination of most other groups).

This also explains why Black People prefer rap and hip hop and don’t listen to rock & roll, heavy metal or classical music. They simply can’t dance to it, rock & roll and heavy metal especially, which just sounds like a bunch of noise and yelling to most Black People (no Black Person alive could possible perform The Electric Slide while listening to KISS or GWAR).

But this not to say that Non-Black People can’t have rhythm. Hispanics and most South Americans can have up to five units of coordination which allows them to perform dances like Salsa and Flamenco. Asian People and Caucasian People, however, can never perform more than three units of coordination at a given time.

If by some chance you have gone to a nightclub and have witnessed a Caucasian Person performing complex dance moves, chances are this particular person has spent their entire life and the majority of their family’s fortune being trained to dance by Black People (it is impossible for a Caucasian People to obtain rhythm by any other means).

#34. Supporting Stupid Black People

chrisbrownOn February 8th of this year musician Chris Brown, Black Person, physically abused his girlfriend Rihanna, but some of his fans (who just so happened to be Black) have continued to support him despite his terrible actions.

Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick, Black Person, was convicted for his involvement in an illegal dog fighting ring, but still had Black Celebrities supporting him including Whoopie Goldberg and Jamie Foxx, who even tried to explain Vick’s actions as being “a cultural thing” (which would be like Jeffrey Dahmer‘s lawyer defending his client’s actions as being “a cultural thing”). This act of Black People defending obviously guilty Black People for their crimes is not as unusual or uncommon as you might think.

Thanks to slavery and the terrible events that occurred during the Civil Rights Movement, Black People have developed an overwhelming need to protect their own when attacked (but then again who doesn’t?). However, this also means that any criticism or negative press towards another Black Person by someone that is not also a Black Person (no matter how factual) is not to be believed and is seen as a deliberate attack against all Black People everywhere.

Hence why supporting stupid Black People has become such a dangerous practice within the Black Community, even more dangerous than purchasing rims. It all seems to have started with the O.J. Trial (where the Black Community has at least admitted their mistake in that instance) and has worked its way right into present day.

Will Black People ever recognize the need to criticize their own when one beats up his girlfriend, abuses animals or uses a homophobic slur while being interviewed? Only time will tell.

#32. Kung Fu Movies

enter_the_dragonAlthough Black People are extremely proud of their heritage and work vigorously every day to maintain their Blackness, if a Black Person could not belong to the Black Community they would undoubtedly want to belong to the Asian Community, due in large part to Kung Fu Movies.

Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Chow Yun Fat, Tony Jaa, Michelle Yeoh, John Woo and many others are greatly respected performers in the Black Community due to their great contributions to Asian Cinema. Jim Kelly and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar are highly regarded Black People in the upper echelons of he Black Community (way above Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson) for having worked with Master Lee in Enter The Dragon and Game of Death respectively (Bruce Lee is the only person on Earth Black People will refer to as “master”).

This is the main reason why interracial relationships between Black People and Asian People are permitted within the Black Community, in the hopes that some day one of these unions will produce a new super-kung fu ninja assassin with the moves of Bruce Lee and the rhyme of James Brown.

#30. Frying

fried-chickenIt is a commonly held truism that Black People (and only Black People) just love fried chicken, that they just can’t get enough of it. That a Black Person would trade in all their worldly possessions for a lifetime supply of fried chicken.

This is without a doubt 100% fact.

No other group of people on the entire planet likes fried chicken except Black People. Both the Kentucky Fried Chicken and Popeye’s Chicken franchises thrive only because of Black People’s unquenchable lust for fried chicken. If you ever see a Caucasian Person in a Popeye’s Chicken or KFC it’s because they are lost and are just asking for directions to the nearest Wendy’s.

But fried chicken is only the symptom to a much larger issue when it comes to Black Culture. Black People love fried anything. French Fries, fish, turkey, pork chops, you name it and it tastes better fried to any Black Person you feed it to. If something can be cooked and eaten then it can be fried first. If the only thing left to eat in the whole world were Twinkies, Black People would find a way to fry them and make them taste good.

But why do Black People like to fry things so much? No one really knows. Not even slavery can explain this one away. And despite the health risks associated with constantly eating fried foods, Black People have no intention of giving up this practice anytime soon. Peace will come to the Middle East before Black People stop eating fried food, especially chicken.