Blog Archives

#69. Threatening To Go Back To Africa

If you spend enough time around Black People, chances are you will run into one who is so fed up with the many harsh ways they are treated in the United States that they will claim they want to return to Africa.

Well, don’t believe them. Have you actually been to Africa lately? Do you know how much it would cost to ship 24 inch rims to Africa? Or how difficult it is to get your hands on a pair of really expensive tennis shoes or a Cadillac Escalade? Sure, the weather’s warm, but beloved Black activities like owning a puffy coat or bringing up slavery would be pointless.

A Black Person born and raised in the US simply can not function in a place like Africa. Remember that time Michael Jordan went off to play baseball? Same thing. Just a terrible idea all around.

A Black Person who threatens to go back to Africa is just like a Caucasian Person fed up with the US government threatens to move to Canada. They’ll never do. And if they do they’re crazy.

#38. Tyler Perry

madeaThere has been much debate, speculation and controversy as to why Black People dig Tyler Perry so. If you are not a Black Person, this must seem especially baffling. You probably have no interest in seeing Tyler Perry’s “films” or maybe have seen one and found it to be extremely distasteful. Yet, Tyler Perry continues to top the Box Office with every single theatrical release. How can this be? The answer is very simple.

Thanks to Jaws and Star Wars, Hollywood movies usually targets only one group of people: Young Caucasian Males. Women, minorities, and adults over 45 have been routinely belittled or ignored at the Box Office. Tyler Perry as successfully tapped a large part of this market.

We already know that Black People love movies just as much as every other group (see: #7. Bootleg DVDs and #18. Talking During The Movie), but when a Black Person decides to venture out to the theater to see one, it can be an extremely frustrating experience since Hollywood refuses to acknowledge the Black Community.

Then came Tyler Perry, who turned his successful stage plays into movies that appeal almost exclusively to Black Christian Females. Every single movie Tyler Perry movie has been a Box Office hit despite unanimously bad reviews and almost zero advertising, which has angered many Non-Black People. How could someone possibly make the same type of movie over and over again with huge Box Office returns (aside from Judd Apatow)?

Quite simply, until Hollywood figures out that middle class Black People (specifically Black Females) really do love movies and are willing to spend money on arguably bad films for the chance to see themselves on the big screen, Tyler Perry will continue to make gobs of money thanks to his loyal Black Christian Female fanbase.

NOTE: If you are not a Black Person, publicly criticizing Tyler Perry in any way, shape or form will label you a racist by the Black Community (and will get you exiled to Canada if you are a Black Person).

#29. Scarface

scarfaceIt has already been established that Black People dig movies, but it’s the kind of movies Black People dig that’s worth noting.

Stop a random Black Person on the street and ask them if they’ve seen any bonafide classics such as “Casablanca“, “Dr. Strangelove” or even “Citizen Kane” and chances are you will get nothing but blank stares. But ask that same Black Person what the greatest movie ever made was and chances are they will undoubtedly say “Scarface” 100% of the time.

The fact that this film has had such a large impact on Black Culture is truly amazing seeing as that it has virtually no Black People in it and was not made by Spike Lee or Tyler Perry.

“Scarface” is the story of a poor immigrant named Tony Montana (played by Al Pacino) who comes to the United States illegally and rises to power. This is every single Black Person’s fantasy (the fact that Tony obtains power by killing and drug dealing and dies a horrible death is besides the point). Many Rhythmic Musicians including Sean Combs have listed this movie as their favorite, and if one Black Person likes something then all Black People must like it too.

Every Black Person that has disagreed that Scarface is not one of the greatest movies ever made has been kicked out of the Black Community and exiled to Canada, so if you see any Black People in Canada now you will know why they are there.