Blog Archives

#27. Refering To Celebrities By Their First Names

denzelThere is a persistent myth that has been circulating for years that all Black People know each other. That, somehow, the Black Community shares a collective consciousness, a hive mind in which they are all connected and are aware of each other.

This, of course, is 100% true.

The most damming evidence being that Black People refer to other Black People they have never met by their first names. “Denzel”, “Halle”, “BeyoncĂ©”, “Barack”, “Oprah” and  the list goes on.

Black People refer to these famous personalities by their first names because Black People are mentally connected to each other and share each other’s thoughts. This is also why. when a Black Person does something terrible like commit a serious crime, that the entire Black Community is to blame and must take full responsibility for not contacting that particular Black Person with telepathy and telling him or her not to commit the terrible crime.

It is also widely believed that “marijuana” can heighten the telepathic link between large groups of Black People, but the side effects that come with this practice (sleepiness, increased appetite, impaired motor skills) seriously reduces Black People’s ability to harness this superhuman power for good.

However, experiments with marijuana, or “weed“, are still ongoing.

#6. Giving Their Children Made-Up Names That Are Hard to Spell and Pronounce

cuteblackchildIt’s universally accepted that Black People are creative. Music, literature, hair styles, apparel– Black People have certainly left their mark. However, Black People’s creativity doesn’t stop with themselves, it also extends to their children, too.

While parents from other cultures may be perfectly content to settle for naming their kids “John”, “Mary”, “Thomas” or “Jennifer”, Black People can never settle for anything that’s too common (or “Non-Black”).

“Shaniqua” (or “Shaneikqua”), “LaVernius”, “Condoleeza”, “Earthwind”, “Tyreke”, “Javon” and there are plenty more made up Black names where those came from.

In a Black Person’s ongoing quest to be as Black as they can possibly be (see #1. Being Black), giving their child(ren) a distinct or unusual name that will instantly label them as “Black” even in print is one of the most gracious things a Black Person can do for their child. This will ensure their child(ren) will never be able to forget their Blackness and that no one else will be able to forget it either.