Blog Archives

#65. Loose Clothing

During slavery, Black People were provided tattered clothing devoid of style or originality (how they survived without expensive tennis shoes back then is anyone’s guess).

And so, now that Black People have their freedom, some naturally want to go right back to the way things used to be. Are you confused? Well, you should be.

When Black People wear tight or form-fitting clothing, they are immediately reminded of their ancestors being chained up and shuttled across the ocean to the Americas in the cramped hulls of slave ships. This can cause some Black People to immediately lose consciousness or break out in hives. The only solution is to wear loose clothing, as not to feel trapped or caged.

Of course, the downside is that this form of fashion makes some Black People look ridiculous.

But similar to how Black People like to be creative in styling their hair and naming their children, they also like to wear their clothes in creative ways. A huge part of Black Culture is about being different (from Caucasian People).

There are certain conditions in which Black People that love loose clothing will give it up for proper clothing…

Actually, no, there’s not. It will never change.

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.