Blog Archives

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#57. The Idea of Owning a Bentley

Bentley_ContinentalNext to the Cadillac Escalade, the most desired car that Black People would like to own is the British manufactured Bentley.

The problem is that a Bentley, even a used one, is liable to be out of the average Black Person’s price range. That and the fact that most Black People know that a Bentley parked in an urban neighborhood for too long is a Bentley that wants to be stolen.

So most Black People who do not have corporate sponsorship, a record deal or a Hollywood movie contract must relegate themselves to only dreaming about owning a Bentley. But what makes owning a Bentley so much more attractive to Black People than, say, owning an Aston Martin or a Ferrari? The answers may confuse you.

Long story short, owning a Bentley is the absolute epitome of being “baller“. A Black Person can simply not get any more baller than driving down the road in a Bentley sitting on 23 inch rims. This is not to say that owning an Aston Martin or Ferrari isn’t also baller, but a secret panel of Black People that were all recognized as being baller held a vote to determine which automobile was the most baller and the Bentley won out (the Rolls Royce came in second).

#44. Bingo

bingoRight next to playing the lottery, the Black Community’s favorite method of gambling away all their hard earned money has to be, without a doubt, playing bingo. However, unlike playing the lottery, a Black Person actually has a chance of winning money playing bingo.

Although low math scores have been reported in the Black Community throughout the country, put a bingo card in front of a Black Person and they will be able to work the numbers on that bingo card like a complex math equation.

This seems especially true when it comes to Old Black People, who may be partially blind or hard of hearing but can play a seemingly infinite number of bingo cards at one time and never lose track or miss a number (but still not be able to get a bingo).

Playing bingo has even become a family activity for some Black People (most notably Black Females) who like to congregate in smoky bingo parlors and lose their hard earned money together (but if one wins, the winner has to pay the others a “family tax”).

If you are a Non-Black Male who is interested in approaching a Black Female romantically, buy her a bag of bingo markers and perhaps a troll doll for good luck as a present (although be sure to deliver this gift while in a Cadillac Escalade sitting on chrome rims for best results).

#36. Cookouts and Barbecuing

cookoutsIt’s fair to say that most people all over the world enjoy cookouts and BBQ, not just Black People.

However, if you’ve ever attended a normal cookout and compared it to a cookout with Black People, you will notice an astronomical difference in mood, atmosphere and especially the food.

You see, for Black People, having a cookout isn’t just a social event with friends and family, it’s a religious experience filled with song, dance, excessive talking and lots of unhealthy food.

While most modern day people like to communicate and socialize about their lives using Twitter and Face Book, Black People like to save the really juicy stuff (i.e. gossip) about their lives, their family’s lives and their friend’s lives for the next big cookout (since most older Black People don’t believe in “putting their information on the Internet” anyway).

This also gives Black People the perfect excuse to talk loud and play loud music as well as the chance to show off the rims on their Cadillac Escalades to distant family members (whose job it will be to purchase a newer Escalade and more expensive rims before the next cookout).

“But isn’t the period between cookouts a very long time?”, you ask? Not when it comes to Black People. As long as it’s not too cold outside (cold weather is like Kryptonite to Black People) then that means it’s time to have a cookout! Drive through a Black Neighborhood during any day of the Spring or Summer and chances are you will smell the sweet scent of BBQ rips cooking on a grill.

Whenever a Black Person moves out of their parent’s home and gets a place of their own, it is a rite of passage into adulthood for most Black People to purchase their first grill to go along with moving into their first house or apartment (even before they’ve paid to have the gas and electric turned on).

#25. Playing Music Really REALLY Loud

cool-speakerJust like how Black People love to be deeply involved in watching movies, they also like to be deeply involved with listening to  music, but in a far more extreme manner than most other groups.

It’s not enough that a Black Person simply listens to their music. No, Black People have to feel their music; they have to live their music. When a Black Person rolls down the street in their Cadillac Escalade with their low quality sub-woofers making the ground vibrate and drowning out all other sound, it is not their intention to annoy you. Black People simply need to feel the music vibrate throughout their entire bodies. Only then can they  achieve a truly “Black” music listening experience.

Even when Black People are listening to music on their iPod or MP3 players, they absolutely cannot listen to their music at anything lower than maximum ear-splitting volume.

Coincidentally, this is also a leading theory as to why Black People tend to talk loud, because listening to loud music through 12 inch sub-woofers and extra loud bass every day has made the Black Community collectively hard of hearing. Scientists have not disproved this theory so it must be 100% correct.

#22. Not Tipping

no_tipWhy don’t Black People like to tip? Well, there’s a popular joke that goes, “Why should you paint a canoe Black? Because then it won’t tip.” Truer words have never been spoken.

There are nearly 40 million Black People in the United States, and maybe twenty or so have ever left a tip for a waiter or waitress in their entire life. But why? Why do Black People refuse to leave a little extra money for people that survive on tips? The answers may surprise you.

The first reason is because of the movie Reservoir Dogs. Black People love Quentin Tarantino movies (especially Pulp Fiction) and watch them religiously, so it’s no wonder that Black People don’t tip because every single living Black Person has seen Reservoir Dogs and agrees 100% with Steve Buscemi’s monologue at the beginning of the film.

The other reason is that if Black People left tips all the time, they wouldn’t have enough money left over to buy expensive tennis shoes, Cadillac Escalades, rims and bootleg DVDs.

There is an ongoing myth that all Black People are either living off of welfare, have record deals, or have a multi-million dollar contract with an athletic sports team. As much as Black People wish this were true, it just isn’t. Most Black People come from lower-middle class incomes and can barely pay the rent, so they horde every penny they can and do not endorse “giving away free money”.

So if you are a waiter or waitress and wonder why Black People don’t tip, blame Quentin Tarantino and gentrification. It’s all their fault.

#13. Making Fun of People Who Own a Prius

priusBlack People hate the Toyota Prius. And they hate the people that drive them even more.

But why? Why must Black People discriminate and make fun of Prius owners? because the Toyota Prius is almost the exact opposite of the Cadillac Escalade; it’s small, quiet, environmentally friendly, and gets great gas millage. But of course, the harsh reality is that the Toyota Prius is simply not “baller“, and Black People can not and will not endorse anything that’s obviously not “baller”.

But if there’s one key reason why Black People hate the Toyota Prius and make fun of the people that own them it’s this: you can’t put 23 inch rims on them! A Black Person can not be expected to like a car they can’t put 23 inch rims on! it’s scandals!

And if you do see a Black Person driving a Prius it’s because the car salesman threatened to kill the Black Person’s family if they didn’t drive the car off the lot at that very moment. There is no other logical explanation. Even if a Black Person were being chased by a mad serial killer and had to choose between making their getaway on foot or in a Prius, the Black Person would choose to run away in their expensive white tennis shoes rather than be seen driving a Prius 100% of the time.

#12. Cadillac Escalades

escaladeThere are many mysteries in the universe. Who really shot JFK? What really happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And why do Black People really love the Cadillac Escalade so much? The answer may surprise you.

“It’s baller“. It’s that simple.

Black People have a high propensity to spend their hard-earned money on stupid and expense things they have no business buying and the Cadillac Escalade is right at the top of the list. Some Black People don’t even know themselves why they would want such a large, overpriced vehicle with extremely poor gas mileage that is liable to bring every car thief within a 20 mile radius out of the woodwork. Common sense should convince Black People to stop buying these vehicles, but everyone knows that common sense and Black People don’t always get along.

The only other explanation must be that Black People secretly enjoy getting pulled over by the police, because that’s exactly what’s in store for any Black Person that plans to drive one of these vehicles down the freeway with 23 inch rims and music blasting. The police don’t even need probable cause anymore, because a Black Person driving a Cadillac Escalade must be up to something.

#9. Complaining & Talking Loud

complainingIf you’ve been around Black People for any extended period of time you’d know that Black People like to talk. A lot. Granted, all cultures like to talk, but anything worth doing is worth overdoing to great excess when it comes to Black People.

The vast majority of Black People (approximately 99.999%) strongly believes that their voice is not being heard in the world, so it is no wonder that Black People feel the need to complain more and talk at a higher volume than most other Non-Black People.

Despite the fact that America has elected its first Non-100% Caucasian President, Black People still believe they are being greatly disenfranchised. There is no known cure for this condition. A Black Person could receive $1 million dollars tax free, a mansion, an Escalade with 23 inch rims, and a lifetime supply of fried chicken and still find something wrong with it (“only a million dollars? you couldn’t kick up two or three?”, “this mansion only has two basketball courts!”, “23 inch rims? couldn’t you give me some 25’s?”, “why fried chicken? what, because I’m BLACK?!”)

You must accept the fact that a Black Person (namely the female of the species) will never truly be satisfied. Ever. But you are of course welcome to try.

But going back to Black People feeling like they aren’t being heard, if you find yourself in a cordial conversation with a Black Person and it appears they are yelling at you, please do not be alarmed. They are just making sure that you can hear them loud and clear (unless they are holding a gun, knife, or making violent hand gestures like pointing in an accusatory manner) .