Blog Archives

#68. Not Eating Right

This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but Black People like to eat.

“But everyone likes to eat!” you might be saying to yourself. That’s true, nearly 34% of adults are obese in the U.S. But at least 60% of Black males are overweight and 78% of Black females lead the population in obesity.

Ouch. That’s harsh. But what could the cause be? Is it hereditary? Is it because the Black Community accepts larger body sizes? Is it because Black People don’t feel as guilty or ashamed about being overweight as much as other groups? Is it because Black People are less likely to “purge” or take other extreme measures to lose weight? Or is it simply fried chicken?

No. It’s none of these things.

The problem is food itself. Food just tastes too good to Black People. They simply cannot resist free food. If you have wronged a Black Person or wish to make friends with a Black Person, offering them tasty food is the best and easiest way to get in their good graces. Have a lot of Black People you need to impress? Have a cookout/barbecue! You’ll have tons of Black Friends in no time!

However, under no circumstances should you offer a Black Person anything “diet” or “healthy”. To do so will only end in violence. You have been warned.

#62. The Black Taco

Black-Jack-Taco-from-Taco-BellUnlike the Black Market or the Black Plague, black has finally been given a suffix that is tasty and delicious and at an affordable price.

The Black Community and Taco Bell have been quite fond of one another for decades, almost as much as Black People and KFC have been. But KFC never made a “Black Combo Meal” or “Black Chicken Sandwich”, so Taco Bell has now become the premiere fast food establishment within the Black Community for finally acknowledging the Black People that eat there by naming a taco after them.

Walk down the street. Ask a Black Person, any Black Person, if they like the Black Taco. Even if they have never even tried one yet, chances are they will still speak fondly of it. Now it is up to McDonald’s to make a “Black Cheeseburger”, Burger King to make a “Black Whopper”, and Wendy’s to simply make something that actually tastes good.

#33. Oodles of Noodles

ramen-oodles-noodleIf you are not a Black Person but are perhaps a college student without a Trust Fund or Hedge Fund, you may be familiar with an inexpensive food item known as “Ramen Noodles“.

However, calling these noodles by that name around Black People is completely unacceptable and could result in anything from blank stares to a kick in the genitals. If you are around Black People you can only refer to this food item as “Oodles of Noodles”.

Many Black Families live on or below the poverty line and are usually forced to be extremely picky when it comes to buying food that is low cost and relatively tasty. These noodles are the perfect choice for such a narrow criteria.  They are extremely cheap in cost and can be found in virtually any store or gas station.

However, why Black People have taken to calling this item “Oodles of Noodles” instead of That Other Name We Do Not Speak Of is a bit of a mystery and could only be a result of Black People’s inherent sense of creativity that caused them to adopt this alternate name.

If you actually know a Black Person and decide to invite them over to your home and they get hungry, be sure to have a few packages of these noodles around just in case, so no Black Person can resist a free offering of “Oodles of Noodles”. Those who have tried have failed. Miserably.

#30. Frying

fried-chickenIt is a commonly held truism that Black People (and only Black People) just love fried chicken, that they just can’t get enough of it. That a Black Person would trade in all their worldly possessions for a lifetime supply of fried chicken.

This is without a doubt 100% fact.

No other group of people on the entire planet likes fried chicken except Black People. Both the Kentucky Fried Chicken and Popeye’s Chicken franchises thrive only because of Black People’s unquenchable lust for fried chicken. If you ever see a Caucasian Person in a Popeye’s Chicken or KFC it’s because they are lost and are just asking for directions to the nearest Wendy’s.

But fried chicken is only the symptom to a much larger issue when it comes to Black Culture. Black People love fried anything. French Fries, fish, turkey, pork chops, you name it and it tastes better fried to any Black Person you feed it to. If something can be cooked and eaten then it can be fried first. If the only thing left to eat in the whole world were Twinkies, Black People would find a way to fry them and make them taste good.

But why do Black People like to fry things so much? No one really knows. Not even slavery can explain this one away. And despite the health risks associated with constantly eating fried foods, Black People have no intention of giving up this practice anytime soon. Peace will come to the Middle East before Black People stop eating fried food, especially chicken.

#5. Eating at Mama’s House

mamafoodDo you know a Black Person? Well, here’s an experiment you can perform. Take a Black Person out to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. Order all the best dishes and make sure you get the Black Person’s opinion on how great the food tastes.

Then arrange to have dinner at the Black Person’s mother’s house the very next night. 11 times out of 10 the Black Person in question will prefer the food cooked and consumed at their mother’s house. Not even Wolfgang Puck can whip up a plate of food tastier than a Black Person’s mother can. It’s an irrefutable scientific fact.

It doesn’t even matter if the Black Person’s mother is currently deceased. Any food cooked and eaten at their mother’s last known residence will always taste better than food cooked and eaten anywhere else on the face of the Earth. Is it nostalgia? Is it genetics? Who knows? But if you ever attempt to impress a black person with your cooking, be forewarned: your potato salad will never even come close to mama’s. Don’t even try.