Blog Archives

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#39. Bald Heads

michael_jordanBecause genetics has a cruel sense of humor, many adult males across the world suffer from one of the most debilitating and embarrassing afflictions ever know: Male Pattern Baldness.

But unlike Asian Males and Caucasian Males, Black Males do not even have the option of employing the comb over. However, Black People have developed their own solution: going completely bald!

The Bald Head Look has become insanely popular within the Black Community to the point where Black Males who may otherwise have a full head of hair choose to go totally bald anyway! Famous Black People like Michael Jordan and Samuel L. Jackson have practically turned The Bald Head Look into a fashion statement.

But even taking it one step further, Black People embrace The Bald Head Look for an entirely different reason: not that many Caucasian Males can pull it off. If a Caucasian Male goes bald he will usually make one of two impressions: he is a skinhead or a cancer patient. The Bald Head Look has also become an aphrodisiac to Black Females who get a sexual thrill when they drag their fingers across a Black Male’s bald scalp.

In short, if a Black Male does not have good hair but still wishes to be “baller“, all he has to do is shave his head and will automatically have absolutely no problem finding a date the following night.

#37. Having Indian In Their Family

indiansAlthough Black People take great pride in being Black and are always mindful of their African heritage, there is also an unusual generational practice throughout the Black Community of advertising (more like bragging) that they have Native American ancestors.

Different from how some Caucasian People like to claim their British, French, German, Scottish or Irish ancestries (which is not unlike claiming to have “California” or “Texas” ancestry), Black People like to claim they have Native American ancestry for many different reasons, paramount of which being that Native Americans are known to have “good hair”.

The other major reason being that the ancestors of both Black People and Native Americans have been seriously wronged by Caucasian People in the past, most notably slavery, Manifest Destiny and the Trail of Tears. Not to mention the fact that both groups have been repeatedly demonized in old American movies for decades; Black People being portrayed as fools working menial jobs and Native Americans being portrayed as savage killers that rape and kidnap Caucasian Females.

Both groups are also routinely mislabeled by most of American Society; Native Americans are commonly referred to as “Indians” (even by Black People) and Black People are usually referred to as “African Americans” (even if they were born and raised in Canada).

However, if a Black Person does claim to have Native American ancestry and it is pretty obvious that isn’t true, do not under any circumstances call them on it. Challenging a Black Person’s Native American lineage can only end in violence.

#10. Hot Combs

hotcombBlack Culture is made up of an extremely complex group of people, but perhaps the most complex and controversial aspect of Black Culture can be summed up in one word: hair.

Right now you’re thinking, “But isn’t the most complex and controversial aspect of Black Culture actually skin color?” And if that is what you are thinking then you are wrong. There are lots of other cultures with tan or dark skin (Mexicans, Brazilians, Indonesians), but Black People have all but cornered the market when it comes to brown or dark skinned people with coarse, kinky or “nappy” hair.

In case you are not already aware, Black People obsess over their hair eight to nine times more than any other group of people and have become extremely resentful (and jealous) of other Black People who were born with “good hair”.

Growing their hair out into a big puffy afro may have been cool back in the 60’s, 70’s or even the 80’s, but now that practice has been all but abandoned and classified as “ghetto” but popular Black Culture. Although Black People are always trying to find new ways to act, look, and sound “Blacker” than everybody else (see #1. Being Black), the one thing about Black Culture that Black People have grown to loathe is their hair.

Unfortunately, TV, Movies, Magazines and Advertisements have pounded the image of “straight hair = beautiful” into the minds of the Black Community. This means that Black Males tend to keep their hair closely cropped or completely bald while Black Females are restricted from leaving their homes without running a hot comb through their hair, or at least applying a wig or weave to hide that nappy scalp of theirs. Styling their hair into curls can be acceptable at times, as long as it’s not too curly.