Blog Archives

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#40. Nails

longnailsIf hair care is one of the biggest preoccupations in the Black Community, then nail care would rank right up there alongside it.

Why do Black People (most notably Black Females) dig long nails so much? There actually isn’t any rational reason why Black People like ridiculously long finger and toe nails. Really. No reason at all. It makes it increasingly difficult to pick up and hold things, as well as making it near impossible to run or defend one’s self when someone feels the need to show off their unregistered handgun at the club (usually a result of having their expensive tennis shoes stepped on).

Scientists have deduced that a Black Female’s desire to obtain long hair has somehow been allowed to carry over into other feminine signs of beauty, such as nails. But like anything worth doing, Black People must always go that extra mile and take things just a little too far. More like a lot too far.

This is compounded by the fact that Black Females that grow their nails super long are usually employed at jobs where they depend greatly on the use of their hands (answering phones, typing, hair care, etc).

Other scientists believe that, not unlike how Black Males wear their hats crooked, that a Black Female grows her nails extra long to indicate to Black Males that they are ready to partake in the Black version of the mating ritual dance. Scientific research on this subject is still ongoing.