Blog Archives

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#10. Hot Combs

hotcombBlack Culture is made up of an extremely complex group of people, but perhaps the most complex and controversial aspect of Black Culture can be summed up in one word: hair.

Right now you’re thinking, “But isn’t the most complex and controversial aspect of Black Culture actually skin color?” And if that is what you are thinking then you are wrong. There are lots of other cultures with tan or dark skin (Mexicans, Brazilians, Indonesians), but Black People have all but cornered the market when it comes to brown or dark skinned people with coarse, kinky or “nappy” hair.

In case you are not already aware, Black People obsess over their hair eight to nine times more than any other group of people and have become extremely resentful (and jealous) of other Black People who were born with “good hair”.

Growing their hair out into a big puffy afro may have been cool back in the 60’s, 70’s or even the 80’s, but now that practice has been all but abandoned and classified as “ghetto” but popular Black Culture. Although Black People are always trying to find new ways to act, look, and sound “Blacker” than everybody else (see #1. Being Black), the one thing about Black Culture that Black People have grown to loathe is their hair.

Unfortunately, TV, Movies, Magazines and Advertisements have pounded the image of “straight hair = beautiful” into the minds of the Black Community. This means that Black Males tend to keep their hair closely cropped or completely bald while Black Females are restricted from leaving their homes without running a hot comb through their hair, or at least applying a wig or weave to hide that nappy scalp of theirs. Styling their hair into curls can be acceptable at times, as long as it’s not too curly.