Blog Archives

#63. Not Being Haunted By Ghosts

If you visit a Black Person’s house, there are a lot of things you can expect to see. Music CDs. Bootleg DVDs. Hair products. Hot sauce. Malt liquor. Incense. Plenty of interesting things.

But what you will not see is ghosts.

You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.

But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?

No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you a tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.

However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.

This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#52. Hoodies

adidas-hoodieIt is a well known fact that Black People do not enjoy cold weather, so when the temperature starts to drop they must dress appropriately. But sometimes it may not be cold enough to wear a puffy coat all the time, which is where hoodies come in handy.

Black People love to wear loose clothing, so hoodies usually make for a comfortable fit. Its front pouch negates the need for gloves and the hood can be conveniently used to help conceal one’s identity or quickly cover one’s head for fear of their hair getting wet.

Not to mention the fact that hoodies are quite often worn by Black People who are considered to be “baller“. Wearing a tucked in shirt or a suit and tie is not at all baller (unless the shirt is laced with diamonds glued to the fabric or the suit is lime green and ridiculously loud and expensive).

When a Black Person chooses to wear a hoodie in an environment where it would seem to be the least appropriate thing to wear (job interview, child custody hearing, etc) it communicates to the world that, no matter what, they are keeping it real.

#39. Bald Heads

michael_jordanBecause genetics has a cruel sense of humor, many adult males across the world suffer from one of the most debilitating and embarrassing afflictions ever know: Male Pattern Baldness.

But unlike Asian Males and Caucasian Males, Black Males do not even have the option of employing the comb over. However, Black People have developed their own solution: going completely bald!

The Bald Head Look has become insanely popular within the Black Community to the point where Black Males who may otherwise have a full head of hair choose to go totally bald anyway! Famous Black People like Michael Jordan and Samuel L. Jackson have practically turned The Bald Head Look into a fashion statement.

But even taking it one step further, Black People embrace The Bald Head Look for an entirely different reason: not that many Caucasian Males can pull it off. If a Caucasian Male goes bald he will usually make one of two impressions: he is a skinhead or a cancer patient. The Bald Head Look has also become an aphrodisiac to Black Females who get a sexual thrill when they drag their fingers across a Black Male’s bald scalp.

In short, if a Black Male does not have good hair but still wishes to be “baller“, all he has to do is shave his head and will automatically have absolutely no problem finding a date the following night.