Blog Archives

#40. Nails

longnailsIf hair care is one of the biggest preoccupations in the Black Community, then nail care would rank right up there alongside it.

Why do Black People (most notably Black Females) dig long nails so much? There actually isn’t any rational reason why Black People like ridiculously long finger and toe nails. Really. No reason at all. It makes it increasingly difficult to pick up and hold things, as well as making it near impossible to run or defend one’s self when someone feels the need to show off their unregistered handgun at the club (usually a result of having their expensive tennis shoes stepped on).

Scientists have deduced that a Black Female’s desire to obtain long hair has somehow been allowed to carry over into other feminine signs of beauty, such as nails. But like anything worth doing, Black People must always go that extra mile and take things just a little too far. More like a lot too far.

This is compounded by the fact that Black Females that grow their nails super long are usually employed at jobs where they depend greatly on the use of their hands (answering phones, typing, hair care, etc).

Other scientists believe that, not unlike how Black Males wear their hats crooked, that a Black Female grows her nails extra long to indicate to Black Males that they are ready to partake in the Black version of the mating ritual dance. Scientific research on this subject is still ongoing.

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.