Blog Archives

#59. Warm Weather

warm_tropical_weatherBlack People and chilly weather are not best friends. They are not even on speaking terms. If you’ve ever met someone who has hiked up a snowy mountain like Mount Everest or K2, chances are they were not a Black Person. This is because Black People do not hike up snowy mountains (or any mountain, for that matter) in addition to having an aversion to the cold.

Black People are a tropical people. Dark skin does not absorb light and heat as easily as pale skin, so most Black People can only be truly comfortable while operating in warm temperatures.

This, of course, is the sole reason why Black People have not yet been able to conquer the NHL. The Black Community has been lobbying for years to get central heating installed in all hockey rinks for just this reason, but have yet to be successful.

If you have invited a Black Person to your home and they refuse to leave, just turn the heat off. If it is summer time, use a fire extinguisher. Chilly temperatures are like kryptonite to Black People. The only exceptions to this rule is in relation to beer and ice cream, and even those can be risky (brain freeze has been known to cause fatalities in Black People on more than one occasion).

#41. The Idea Of Tiger Woods

tiger-woodsIt is a commonly held truism that Black People never played golf until Tiger Woods, a Black Person, systematically conquered the sport. This is 100% true.

It has long since been a key agenda of the Black Community to be the undisputed champion of every sport ever created in the history of mankind, except of course hockey (Black People despise playing sports in cold temperatures). Ever since Jesse Owens disproved Nazi propaganda that Black People were physically inferior to Aryan People by winning four gold metals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, the Black Community has made it a top priority to continue to be the best in all physically events if only to annoy Aryan People.

Black People dig the idea of Tiger Woods because he is living breathing proof of something that all Black People believe to be true, that no matter what, a Black Person will always be the best in any physical activity that involves a ball: football, baseball, basketball, tennis, etc (note: hockey has a puck, not a ball). Even though Black People don’t really like to watch or play golf or tennis or soccer that much, they still like to know that if they did ever decide to play it that they would kick serious butt no matter what just because they are a Black Person.