But what you will not see is ghosts.
You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.
But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?
No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you a tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.
However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.
This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.
However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.
And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).
This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.
However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).
Although Black People can certainly enjoy watching a movie that’s not about Black People (apparently the only movie-going group in America that can do this), Black People also occasionally like to see themselves as the heroes or main characters and not just the best friend or the emasculated sidekick.
Here’s an exercise. Name 5 movies that were financed and produced by a Hollywood studio (i.e. not a Tyler Perry movie) in which a Black Person (or any Non-Caucasian Person for that matter) was the main character, had a romantic subplot that ended happily, defeated the villain and didn’t get dead by the time the credits role…
Can’t think of any, can you?
Whenever this commonly known fact is pointed out some people tend to dismiss it as complaining, but it’s really a symptom of a much larger social problem in American Entertainment. You see, while the majority of Americans are perfectly willing to elect a Black Person as their president, Hollywood is nowhere near as progressive or liberal as some of its detractors have painted it to be.
Hollywood runs on money. Every Hollywood movie and every decision that went into making was based on the intent of trying to make as much money as possible. Since Black People make up on 13.4% of the American population, they are still too small of a group for Hollywood to care about. And since Caucasian People are incapable of relating to characters that aren’t also Caucasian besides Will Smith, this problem with persist.
It’s far too easy to write this issue off as racism. That word is far too small to cover such a large issue. Resentment seems more fitting. According to the people that run Hollywood, a man with the looks and girth of a Seth Rogen or a Jonah Hill is far more attractive and desirable to women than a man with the looks and muscle tone of a Will Smith or Denzel Washington could ever dream to be.
Also, according to Hollywood, all attractive Caucasian Females are extremely thin, usually blonde and under the age of 30 while Halle Berry (who is 43 this year) is the only attractive Black Female on the entire planet (women like Gabrielle Union and Naomi Harris are far too dark be considered attractive), so the chances of Hollywood producing a film in which a Black Couple are the main characters, save the world, and survive to live happily ever after seems anemic at best.
So until the day that Black People take over Hollywood, studio executives will continue to employ the “Friends” mentality of See No Black People, Hear No Black People (unless they are about to die a horrible death).
There has been much debate, speculation and controversy as to why Black People dig Tyler Perry so. If you are not a Black Person, this must seem especially baffling. You probably have no interest in seeing Tyler Perry’s “films” or maybe have seen one and found it to be extremely distasteful. Yet, Tyler Perry continues to top the Box Office with every single theatrical release. How can this be? The answer is very simple.
Thanks to Jaws and Star Wars, Hollywood movies usually targets only one group of people: Young Caucasian Males. Women, minorities, and adults over 45 have been routinely belittled or ignored at the Box Office. Tyler Perry as successfully tapped a large part of this market.
We already know that Black People love movies just as much as every other group (see: #7. Bootleg DVDs and #18. Talking During The Movie), but when a Black Person decides to venture out to the theater to see one, it can be an extremely frustrating experience since Hollywood refuses to acknowledge the Black Community.
Then came Tyler Perry, who turned his successful stage plays into movies that appeal almost exclusively to Black Christian Females. Every single movie Tyler Perry movie has been a Box Office hit despite unanimously bad reviews and almost zero advertising, which has angered many Non-Black People. How could someone possibly make the same type of movie over and over again with huge Box Office returns (aside from Judd Apatow)?
Quite simply, until Hollywood figures out that middle class Black People (specifically Black Females) really do love movies and are willing to spend money on arguably bad films for the chance to see themselves on the big screen, Tyler Perry will continue to make gobs of money thanks to his loyal Black Christian Female fanbase.
NOTE: If you are not a Black Person, publicly criticizing Tyler Perry in any way, shape or form will label you a racist by the Black Community (and will get you exiled to Canada if you are a Black Person).
In August at the 2009 Berlin World Championships Usain St. Leo Bolt, Black Person, ran 200 meters in 19.19 seconds…
And he didn’t even have police dogs chasing after him. Impressive. But Black People have always been fast runners.
This, of course, dates back to slavery (like most things about Black People).
The intelligence of Black People has been constantly challenged over the course of history. Low test scores and declining college graduation rates continue to perpetuate the belief that Black People are stupid. Whether that is true or not is up to Black People, but one thing’s for sure: they can certainly run fast.
This is exactly why Hollywood studios will not allow themselves to put too many Black People in horror movies. Having Jason Voorhees outrun a Black Person just requires too much suspension of disbelief.
If you didn’t know it already, Black People love to play video games. When not buying expensive tennis shoes, bootleg DVDs, rims or loose clothing, a Black Person can spend a frightening amount of money on video games and an even more frightening amount of time playing them. Go to a Black Person’s house and chances are they will have a copy of the following games: “Madden” and “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas”.
But why are Black People so in love with this particular video game? Sure, it has decent graphics for its platform, fantastic gameplay and a well-written story line, but that’s not what Black People love most about the game. That would be the fact that a Black Person is the main character.
Carl “CJ” Johnson comes from a family of gang members and must return to his old neighborhood (or “hood”) to solve his mother’s murder. This could’ve easily become a Caucasian Person’s story, but the game developers chose to base the game on the civil unrest in the Black Community in the early 90’s and popular Black movies like “Boyz n the Hood” and “Menace II Society”. Could Black People ask for anything better? (sure they could, but let’ save that for another post)
Because Black People routinely feel they are neglected and marginalized by Hollywood due to the serious lack of new and young Black talent to be offered leading roles in movies on par with Shia Labeouf and Channing Tatum, Black People will cling desperately to any type of story that features a Black Person or a group of Black People are the central characters (hence the success of Tyler Perry).
If you every attempt to make friends with a Black Person and don’t know what to say, just mention how much you love Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and how compelling you found the story line and how you wish you were just like CJ. Black People will give you a head-nod, which means you are not a racist.