Blog Archives

#56. Movies Where The Black Guy Gets The Girl, Kills The Bad Guy and Saves The World

id4_independence_dayAs you know by now, Black People love movies. However, movies don’t seem to love Black People very much.

Although Black People can certainly enjoy watching a movie that’s not about Black People (apparently the only movie-going group in America that can do this), Black People also occasionally like to see themselves as the heroes or main characters and not just the best friend or the emasculated sidekick.

Here’s an exercise. Name 5 movies that were financed and produced by a Hollywood studio (i.e. not a Tyler Perry movie) in which a Black Person (or any Non-Caucasian Person for that matter) was the main character, had a romantic subplot that ended happily, defeated the villain and didn’t get dead by the time the credits role…

Can’t think of any, can you?

Whenever this commonly known fact is pointed out some people tend to dismiss it as complaining, but it’s really a symptom of a much larger social problem in American Entertainment. You see, while the majority of Americans are perfectly willing to elect a Black Person as their president, Hollywood is nowhere near as progressive or liberal as some of its detractors have painted it to be.

Hollywood runs on money. Every Hollywood movie and every decision that went into making was based on the intent of trying to make as much money as possible. Since Black People make up on 13.4% of the American population, they are still too small of a group for Hollywood to care about. And since Caucasian People are incapable of relating to characters that aren’t also Caucasian besides Will Smith, this problem with persist.

It’s far too easy to write this issue off as racism. That word is far too small to cover such a large issue. Resentment seems more fitting. According to the people that run Hollywood, a man with the looks and girth of a Seth Rogen or a Jonah Hill is far more attractive and desirable to women than a man with the looks and muscle tone of a Will Smith or Denzel Washington could ever dream to be.

Also, according to Hollywood, all attractive Caucasian Females are extremely thin, usually blonde and under the age of 30 while Halle Berry (who is 43 this year) is the only attractive Black Female on the entire planet (women like Gabrielle Union and Naomi Harris are far too dark be considered attractive), so the chances of Hollywood producing a film in which a Black Couple are the main characters, save the world, and survive to live happily ever after seems anemic at best.

So until the day that Black People take over Hollywood, studio executives will continue to employ the “Friends” mentality of See No Black People, Hear No Black People (unless they are about to die a horrible death).

#18. Talking During The Movie

movietheaterIf you are a Non-Black Person and you are planning to see a film at a movie theater near an “urban” part of town, you should find an open flame and toss your movie tickets into it, because you are not paying to watch a movie, you are paying to listen to Black People provide their own personal audio commentary throughout the entire movie.

As much as Black People love watching bootleg DVDs, sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes they want to watch the new Denzel Washington or Tyler Perry movie at the theater, but Black People have become so used to talking during the movie at home that they forget not everyone shares their enthusiasm about how funny that last joke was or about how that murder victim should really find a better place to hide.

What Non-Black People don’t understand is just how passionate and involved Black People are with watching movies (Black People can experience passion up to 13% more than most other groups).

Unlike most Non-Black People that like to experience a movie in silence so that they can better hear the dialog and examine the hidden visual subtext, Black People take their movie watching experience so seriously that they like to pretend that the movie is playing in realtime and that they can change the outcome of the plot if only they yell loud enough at the movie screen.

It is not the intention of Black People to annoy others or disrupt the movie going experience of other people, it’s just that Black People’s intense love for visual storytelling is so strong and intense that it overwhelms them. The same way people yell and cheer and heckle at a baseball, football or basketball game, Black People like to talk during the movie. It’s in their genetic code and cannot be restrained.

However, if you do happen to find yourself in a movie theater where Black People are talking to the movie screen, if you wish to stay on good terms with Black People you should simply just forget about trying to follow the plot of the movie and join in with the Black People. In some cases you may even find it more enjoyable than watching the actual film.

#16. Being Good At Running

usain-boltIn August at the 2009 Berlin World Championships Usain St. Leo Bolt, Black Person, ran 200 meters in 19.19 seconds…

Damn.

And he didn’t even have police dogs chasing after him. Impressive. But Black People have always been fast runners.

This, of course, dates back to slavery (like most things about Black People).

The intelligence of Black People has been constantly challenged over the course of history. Low test scores and declining college graduation rates continue to perpetuate the belief that Black People are stupid. Whether that is true or not is up to Black People, but one thing’s for sure: they can certainly run fast.

This is exactly why Hollywood studios will not allow themselves to put too many Black People in horror movies. Having Jason Voorhees outrun a Black Person just requires too much suspension of disbelief.