Blog Archives

#55. Getting Drunk

colt_45If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.

Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.

As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.

Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.

If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.

#37. Having Indian In Their Family

indiansAlthough Black People take great pride in being Black and are always mindful of their African heritage, there is also an unusual generational practice throughout the Black Community of advertising (more like bragging) that they have Native American ancestors.

Different from how some Caucasian People like to claim their British, French, German, Scottish or Irish ancestries (which is not unlike claiming to have “California” or “Texas” ancestry), Black People like to claim they have Native American ancestry for many different reasons, paramount of which being that Native Americans are known to have “good hair”.

The other major reason being that the ancestors of both Black People and Native Americans have been seriously wronged by Caucasian People in the past, most notably slavery, Manifest Destiny and the Trail of Tears. Not to mention the fact that both groups have been repeatedly demonized in old American movies for decades; Black People being portrayed as fools working menial jobs and Native Americans being portrayed as savage killers that rape and kidnap Caucasian Females.

Both groups are also routinely mislabeled by most of American Society; Native Americans are commonly referred to as “Indians” (even by Black People) and Black People are usually referred to as “African Americans” (even if they were born and raised in Canada).

However, if a Black Person does claim to have Native American ancestry and it is pretty obvious that isn’t true, do not under any circumstances call them on it. Challenging a Black Person’s Native American lineage can only end in violence.

#1. Being Black

blackpowerIt’s no secret. The most popular conversation among Black People is, of course, what it’s like to be Black in America.

It’s easy to say, “But every group likes to talk about how their culture is the best, by they Jewish, Irish, Hispanic, etc”. However, Black People take it to a whole new level.

When Black People congregate, the only acceptable topic of discussion is the current status of Black People in the world; sports, music, entertainment and (to a far lesser extent) politics. And when in the company of non-Blacks, Black People will do pretty much everything humanly possible to steer the conversation to a Black-themed topic, and make the non-Blacks feels guilty or racist for not switching to the Black-themed topic earlier.

The average Black Person models their entire life around the idea of achieving a totally pure “Black Existence”. Go to a Black Person’s house and chances are you will find a picture of a Black Jesus hanging on the wall or Africa-themed decor (rugs, chairs, artwork, slipcovers, etc). Look at a Black Person’s movie shelf. Chances are you will see DVD copies of “Friday”, “Boyz n the Hood”, “Menace II Society”, “Undercover Brother”, etc. These films remind a Black Person that they are Black and proud of it.

Open a Black Person’s refrigerator. Chances are you won’t find many things classified as “health food”. This is because Black People can only eat foods that are bad for them that will cause high blood pressure, excessive weight gain and diabetes, or in other words “Soul Food”.

Steal a look at a Black Person’s iPod or MP3 player. Chances are you won’t find anything from The Beatles or KISS. Why? Because those bands clearly aren’t Black. A Black Person can only listen to “Black” designated music like Rap, R&B, Reggae or even Jazz (although only if you’re an “Old Head”). For a Black Person to listen to Rock & Roll or Classical music is blasphemous and could result in expulsion from the Black Community.