Blog Archives

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#36. Cookouts and Barbecuing

cookoutsIt’s fair to say that most people all over the world enjoy cookouts and BBQ, not just Black People.

However, if you’ve ever attended a normal cookout and compared it to a cookout with Black People, you will notice an astronomical difference in mood, atmosphere and especially the food.

You see, for Black People, having a cookout isn’t just a social event with friends and family, it’s a religious experience filled with song, dance, excessive talking and lots of unhealthy food.

While most modern day people like to communicate and socialize about their lives using Twitter and Face Book, Black People like to save the really juicy stuff (i.e. gossip) about their lives, their family’s lives and their friend’s lives for the next big cookout (since most older Black People don’t believe in “putting their information on the Internet” anyway).

This also gives Black People the perfect excuse to talk loud and play loud music as well as the chance to show off the rims on their Cadillac Escalades to distant family members (whose job it will be to purchase a newer Escalade and more expensive rims before the next cookout).

“But isn’t the period between cookouts a very long time?”, you ask? Not when it comes to Black People. As long as it’s not too cold outside (cold weather is like Kryptonite to Black People) then that means it’s time to have a cookout! Drive through a Black Neighborhood during any day of the Spring or Summer and chances are you will smell the sweet scent of BBQ rips cooking on a grill.

Whenever a Black Person moves out of their parent’s home and gets a place of their own, it is a rite of passage into adulthood for most Black People to purchase their first grill to go along with moving into their first house or apartment (even before they’ve paid to have the gas and electric turned on).

#25. Playing Music Really REALLY Loud

cool-speakerJust like how Black People love to be deeply involved in watching movies, they also like to be deeply involved with listening to  music, but in a far more extreme manner than most other groups.

It’s not enough that a Black Person simply listens to their music. No, Black People have to feel their music; they have to live their music. When a Black Person rolls down the street in their Cadillac Escalade with their low quality sub-woofers making the ground vibrate and drowning out all other sound, it is not their intention to annoy you. Black People simply need to feel the music vibrate throughout their entire bodies. Only then can they  achieve a truly “Black” music listening experience.

Even when Black People are listening to music on their iPod or MP3 players, they absolutely cannot listen to their music at anything lower than maximum ear-splitting volume.

Coincidentally, this is also a leading theory as to why Black People tend to talk loud, because listening to loud music through 12 inch sub-woofers and extra loud bass every day has made the Black Community collectively hard of hearing. Scientists have not disproved this theory so it must be 100% correct.