But what you will not see is ghosts.
You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.
But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?
No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you a tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.
However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.
This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.
However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.
And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).
This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.
However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).
Although Black People can certainly enjoy watching a movie that’s not about Black People (apparently the only movie-going group in America that can do this), Black People also occasionally like to see themselves as the heroes or main characters and not just the best friend or the emasculated sidekick.
Here’s an exercise. Name 5 movies that were financed and produced by a Hollywood studio (i.e. not a Tyler Perry movie) in which a Black Person (or any Non-Caucasian Person for that matter) was the main character, had a romantic subplot that ended happily, defeated the villain and didn’t get dead by the time the credits role…
Can’t think of any, can you?
Whenever this commonly known fact is pointed out some people tend to dismiss it as complaining, but it’s really a symptom of a much larger social problem in American Entertainment. You see, while the majority of Americans are perfectly willing to elect a Black Person as their president, Hollywood is nowhere near as progressive or liberal as some of its detractors have painted it to be.
Hollywood runs on money. Every Hollywood movie and every decision that went into making was based on the intent of trying to make as much money as possible. Since Black People make up on 13.4% of the American population, they are still too small of a group for Hollywood to care about. And since Caucasian People are incapable of relating to characters that aren’t also Caucasian besides Will Smith, this problem with persist.
It’s far too easy to write this issue off as racism. That word is far too small to cover such a large issue. Resentment seems more fitting. According to the people that run Hollywood, a man with the looks and girth of a Seth Rogen or a Jonah Hill is far more attractive and desirable to women than a man with the looks and muscle tone of a Will Smith or Denzel Washington could ever dream to be.
Also, according to Hollywood, all attractive Caucasian Females are extremely thin, usually blonde and under the age of 30 while Halle Berry (who is 43 this year) is the only attractive Black Female on the entire planet (women like Gabrielle Union and Naomi Harris are far too dark be considered attractive), so the chances of Hollywood producing a film in which a Black Couple are the main characters, save the world, and survive to live happily ever after seems anemic at best.
So until the day that Black People take over Hollywood, studio executives will continue to employ the “Friends” mentality of See No Black People, Hear No Black People (unless they are about to die a horrible death).
It is common knowledge that no feature film with a cast made up mostly of Black People will ever win an Oscar. Steven Spielberg directed The Color Purple and the Academy couldn’t even give that film one single win out of seven nominations.
Friday is perhaps the single greatest movie ever made according to the Black Community, even topping Scarface in most circles. This film embodies nearly every aspect of an authentic Black American living experience. Unemployment, alcohol, cannabis, the hood, stereotypes, drug dealers, racism, gang shootings, cereal, a rapper trying to act, women with big butts, and the Black Main Character actually gets the girl in the end (unlike most Denzel Washington and Will Smith movies).
If you are not a Black Person and you intend on interacting with Black People on a regular basis, you must watch Friday and you must not only enjoy it, but publicly state verbally or on the Internet that it is one of the single greatest movies ever made. Otherwise you may as well just wear a white sheet over your head and have a swastika tattooed onto your body. Saying that you hate Friday will result in the exact same reaction in Black People.
There has been much debate, speculation and controversy as to why Black People dig Tyler Perry so. If you are not a Black Person, this must seem especially baffling. You probably have no interest in seeing Tyler Perry’s “films” or maybe have seen one and found it to be extremely distasteful. Yet, Tyler Perry continues to top the Box Office with every single theatrical release. How can this be? The answer is very simple.
Thanks to Jaws and Star Wars, Hollywood movies usually targets only one group of people: Young Caucasian Males. Women, minorities, and adults over 45 have been routinely belittled or ignored at the Box Office. Tyler Perry as successfully tapped a large part of this market.
We already know that Black People love movies just as much as every other group (see: #7. Bootleg DVDs and #18. Talking During The Movie), but when a Black Person decides to venture out to the theater to see one, it can be an extremely frustrating experience since Hollywood refuses to acknowledge the Black Community.
Then came Tyler Perry, who turned his successful stage plays into movies that appeal almost exclusively to Black Christian Females. Every single movie Tyler Perry movie has been a Box Office hit despite unanimously bad reviews and almost zero advertising, which has angered many Non-Black People. How could someone possibly make the same type of movie over and over again with huge Box Office returns (aside from Judd Apatow)?
Quite simply, until Hollywood figures out that middle class Black People (specifically Black Females) really do love movies and are willing to spend money on arguably bad films for the chance to see themselves on the big screen, Tyler Perry will continue to make gobs of money thanks to his loyal Black Christian Female fanbase.
NOTE: If you are not a Black Person, publicly criticizing Tyler Perry in any way, shape or form will label you a racist by the Black Community (and will get you exiled to Canada if you are a Black Person).
Although Black People are extremely proud of their heritage and work vigorously every day to maintain their Blackness, if a Black Person could not belong to the Black Community they would undoubtedly want to belong to the Asian Community, due in large part to Kung Fu Movies.
Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Chow Yun Fat, Tony Jaa, Michelle Yeoh, John Woo and many others are greatly respected performers in the Black Community due to their great contributions to Asian Cinema. Jim Kelly and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar are highly regarded Black People in the upper echelons of he Black Community (way above Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson) for having worked with Master Lee in Enter The Dragon and Game of Death respectively (Bruce Lee is the only person on Earth Black People will refer to as “master”).
This is the main reason why interracial relationships between Black People and Asian People are permitted within the Black Community, in the hopes that some day one of these unions will produce a new super-kung fu ninja assassin with the moves of Bruce Lee and the rhyme of James Brown.
It has already been established that Black People dig movies, but it’s the kind of movies Black People dig that’s worth noting.
Stop a random Black Person on the street and ask them if they’ve seen any bonafide classics such as “Casablanca“, “Dr. Strangelove” or even “Citizen Kane” and chances are you will get nothing but blank stares. But ask that same Black Person what the greatest movie ever made was and chances are they will undoubtedly say “Scarface” 100% of the time.
The fact that this film has had such a large impact on Black Culture is truly amazing seeing as that it has virtually no Black People in it and was not made by Spike Lee or Tyler Perry.
“Scarface” is the story of a poor immigrant named Tony Montana (played by Al Pacino) who comes to the United States illegally and rises to power. This is every single Black Person’s fantasy (the fact that Tony obtains power by killing and drug dealing and dies a horrible death is besides the point). Many Rhythmic Musicians including Sean Combs have listed this movie as their favorite, and if one Black Person likes something then all Black People must like it too.
Every Black Person that has disagreed that Scarface is not one of the greatest movies ever made has been kicked out of the Black Community and exiled to Canada, so if you see any Black People in Canada now you will know why they are there.
There is a persistent myth that has been circulating for years that all Black People know each other. That, somehow, the Black Community shares a collective consciousness, a hive mind in which they are all connected and are aware of each other.
This, of course, is 100% true.
The most damming evidence being that Black People refer to other Black People they have never met by their first names. “Denzel”, “Halle”, “Beyoncé”, “Barack”, “Oprah” and the list goes on.
Black People refer to these famous personalities by their first names because Black People are mentally connected to each other and share each other’s thoughts. This is also why. when a Black Person does something terrible like commit a serious crime, that the entire Black Community is to blame and must take full responsibility for not contacting that particular Black Person with telepathy and telling him or her not to commit the terrible crime.
It is also widely believed that “marijuana” can heighten the telepathic link between large groups of Black People, but the side effects that come with this practice (sleepiness, increased appetite, impaired motor skills) seriously reduces Black People’s ability to harness this superhuman power for good.
However, experiments with marijuana, or “weed“, are still ongoing.
Why don’t Black People like to tip? Well, there’s a popular joke that goes, “Why should you paint a canoe Black? Because then it won’t tip.” Truer words have never been spoken.
There are nearly 40 million Black People in the United States, and maybe twenty or so have ever left a tip for a waiter or waitress in their entire life. But why? Why do Black People refuse to leave a little extra money for people that survive on tips? The answers may surprise you.
The first reason is because of the movie Reservoir Dogs. Black People love Quentin Tarantino movies (especially Pulp Fiction) and watch them religiously, so it’s no wonder that Black People don’t tip because every single living Black Person has seen Reservoir Dogs and agrees 100% with Steve Buscemi’s monologue at the beginning of the film.
There is an ongoing myth that all Black People are either living off of welfare, have record deals, or have a multi-million dollar contract with an athletic sports team. As much as Black People wish this were true, it just isn’t. Most Black People come from lower-middle class incomes and can barely pay the rent, so they horde every penny they can and do not endorse “giving away free money”.
So if you are a waiter or waitress and wonder why Black People don’t tip, blame Quentin Tarantino and gentrification. It’s all their fault.