Blog Archives

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#63. Not Being Haunted By Ghosts

If you visit a Black Person’s house, there are a lot of things you can expect to see. Music CDs. Bootleg DVDs. Hair products. Hot sauce. Malt liquor. Incense. Plenty of interesting things.

But what you will not see is ghosts.

You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.

But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?

No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you a tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.

However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.

This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.

#25. Playing Music Really REALLY Loud

cool-speakerJust like how Black People love to be deeply involved in watching movies, they also like to be deeply involved with listening to  music, but in a far more extreme manner than most other groups.

It’s not enough that a Black Person simply listens to their music. No, Black People have to feel their music; they have to live their music. When a Black Person rolls down the street in their Cadillac Escalade with their low quality sub-woofers making the ground vibrate and drowning out all other sound, it is not their intention to annoy you. Black People simply need to feel the music vibrate throughout their entire bodies. Only then can they  achieve a truly “Black” music listening experience.

Even when Black People are listening to music on their iPod or MP3 players, they absolutely cannot listen to their music at anything lower than maximum ear-splitting volume.

Coincidentally, this is also a leading theory as to why Black People tend to talk loud, because listening to loud music through 12 inch sub-woofers and extra loud bass every day has made the Black Community collectively hard of hearing. Scientists have not disproved this theory so it must be 100% correct.