Blog Archives

#69. Threatening To Go Back To Africa

If you spend enough time around Black People, chances are you will run into one who is so fed up with the many harsh ways they are treated in the United States that they will claim they want to return to Africa.

Well, don’t believe them. Have you actually been to Africa lately? Do you know how much it would cost to ship 24 inch rims to Africa? Or how difficult it is to get your hands on a pair of really expensive tennis shoes or a Cadillac Escalade? Sure, the weather’s warm, but beloved Black activities like owning a puffy coat or bringing up slavery would be pointless.

A Black Person born and raised in the US simply can not function in a place like Africa. Remember that time Michael Jordan went off to play baseball? Same thing. Just a terrible idea all around.

A Black Person who threatens to go back to Africa is just like a Caucasian Person fed up with the US government threatens to move to Canada. They’ll never do. And if they do they’re crazy.

#66. Precious

We have already established that Black People love movies and books (especially if they feature other Black People). But what happens when you combine the two?

You get “Precious“.

Why do Black People love Precious so much? “But I thought Black People didn’t like Precious and found the movie’s stereotypes to be terribly offensive and racist?” is what you might be thinking.

And if it is, then you are wrong.

Yes, Precious does feature some pretty racy topics in regards to Black People. Obesity. Rape. Incest. Child abuse. Teen mothers. HIV. Welfare. Poor education. Fried chicken. Pigs feet. Black-eyed peas (not the band).

And that is exactly why the majority of the Black Community cherish the film and book, because it is about and made by/for the Black Community. No way was Angelia Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, or Keira Knightley going to steal the lead role away from a potential Black Actress. So Black People embraced and supported the book and movie.

That and because Oprah said so. When Oprah tells the Black Community to do  something, they must do it. Or else.

#61. The First 7 Minutes of Chasing Amy

chasing_amyIn 1994, writer/director Kevin Smith was heavily criticized by the Black Community for neglecting to include any Black People in his uproarious feature debut “Clerks“.

However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.

And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).

This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.

The Black Community has accepted this scene as a personal apology from Mr. Smith for neglecting them in his past films (he would later go on to work with Chris Rock and Craig Robinson).

However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).

#56. Movies Where The Black Guy Gets The Girl, Kills The Bad Guy and Saves The World

id4_independence_dayAs you know by now, Black People love movies. However, movies don’t seem to love Black People very much.

Although Black People can certainly enjoy watching a movie that’s not about Black People (apparently the only movie-going group in America that can do this), Black People also occasionally like to see themselves as the heroes or main characters and not just the best friend or the emasculated sidekick.

Here’s an exercise. Name 5 movies that were financed and produced by a Hollywood studio (i.e. not a Tyler Perry movie) in which a Black Person (or any Non-Caucasian Person for that matter) was the main character, had a romantic subplot that ended happily, defeated the villain and didn’t get dead by the time the credits role…

Can’t think of any, can you?

Whenever this commonly known fact is pointed out some people tend to dismiss it as complaining, but it’s really a symptom of a much larger social problem in American Entertainment. You see, while the majority of Americans are perfectly willing to elect a Black Person as their president, Hollywood is nowhere near as progressive or liberal as some of its detractors have painted it to be.

Hollywood runs on money. Every Hollywood movie and every decision that went into making was based on the intent of trying to make as much money as possible. Since Black People make up on 13.4% of the American population, they are still too small of a group for Hollywood to care about. And since Caucasian People are incapable of relating to characters that aren’t also Caucasian besides Will Smith, this problem with persist.

It’s far too easy to write this issue off as racism. That word is far too small to cover such a large issue. Resentment seems more fitting. According to the people that run Hollywood, a man with the looks and girth of a Seth Rogen or a Jonah Hill is far more attractive and desirable to women than a man with the looks and muscle tone of a Will Smith or Denzel Washington could ever dream to be.

Also, according to Hollywood, all attractive Caucasian Females are extremely thin, usually blonde and under the age of 30 while Halle Berry (who is 43 this year) is the only attractive Black Female on the entire planet (women like Gabrielle Union and Naomi Harris are far too dark be considered attractive), so the chances of Hollywood producing a film in which a Black Couple are the main characters, save the world, and survive to live happily ever after seems anemic at best.

So until the day that Black People take over Hollywood, studio executives will continue to employ the “Friends” mentality of See No Black People, Hear No Black People (unless they are about to die a horrible death).

#55. Getting Drunk

colt_45If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.

Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.

As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.

Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.

If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.

#50. Using The N Word

the-n-word-DVDThe “N” Word has a long and sordid history that everyone is (or should be)  aware of. It’s a bad word. It’s a hateful word. Every intelligent person alive knows this…

Except Black People.

Ask almost any Black Person. They will admit that the “N” Word is a bad word that is not to be spoken…

Unless you are a Black Person.

If you are not a Black Person, this must seem extremely odd to you. Why do Black People continue to use and call each other the “N” Word and its variations, but will get extremely upset and offended if a Non-Black Person uses the same word, even in a non-derogatory manner? The answer is quite easy to explain.

Some Black People are just idiots. Every culture has idiots, both male and female, young and old, but Black People who insist on using one of the worst and most racially charged words in the English language on a daily bases and claim that they’re “taking back the N Word” are clearly in denial.

Do you know what the different between the “N” Word and a word like “shenanigans” is? Black People don’t enjoy saying “shenanigans”.

If Black People really wanted to be rid of this hateful word, they would make an effort not to use it in conversation, around their children, or with friends. But like smokers who know that cigarette smoking leads to cancer and health problems, some Black People are more than willing to keep using the cancerous “N” Word and don’t care what ill effects it will bring on them, those around them, and their community in general.

The only difference, of course, is that Black Smokers don’t mind seeing Non-Black Smokers smoke. But what Black People don’t like is seeing or hearing Non-Black People use words that they obviously enjoy using, especially the “N” Word. And “dawg“.

#48. Friday

fridayIt is common knowledge that no feature film with a cast made up mostly of Black People will ever win an Oscar. Steven Spielberg directed The Color Purple and the Academy couldn’t even give that film one single win out of seven nominations.

But if there is one film that Black People wish had won the Academy Award for Best Picture, it’s “Friday”.

Friday is perhaps the single greatest movie ever made according to the Black Community, even topping Scarface in most circles. This film embodies nearly every aspect of an authentic Black American living experience. Unemployment, alcohol, cannabis, the hood, stereotypes, drug dealers, racism, gang shootings, cereal, a rapper trying to act, women with big butts, and the Black Main Character actually gets the girl in the end (unlike most Denzel Washington and Will Smith movies).

If you are not a Black Person and you intend on interacting with Black People on a regular basis, you must watch Friday and you must not only enjoy it, but publicly state verbally or on the Internet that it is one of the single greatest movies ever made. Otherwise you may as well just wear a white sheet over your head and have a swastika tattooed onto your body. Saying that you hate Friday will result in the exact same reaction in Black People.

#47. Complicated Handshakes

black_handshakeIf you didn’t know by now, all Black People have an inherent sense of creativity. This extends to many facets of Black Culture, none so obvious as the Black Handshake.

But why must Black People over-complicate a simple greeting like a handshake? Well, because they can. That and it makes an otherwise simple gesture and distinguishes it as being exclusively Black, so that when other Non-Black People see a really impressive Black Handshake they will be instantly envious of Black People and will render simple handshakes as deeply unsatisfying.

Some scholars even believe that the Black Handshake could ultimately lead to the end of racism. Yes, really. You see, Non-Black People are so enamored with Black Handshakes that they will do almost anything to learn how to perform them, even putting their prejudice views aside in favor of being taught this unique handshake. Then they can show it off their new-found skill to all of their friends as proof that they have actually spent time with Black People outside of a work environment (an amazing achievement for any Non-Black Person).

#46. Going Back To Prison

arrestAs much as incarcerated Black People dig getting out of prison, it doesn’t beat going right back to prison.

“But why would Black People dig going back to prison?” you ask? The answers may shock you.

When an incarcerated Black Person gets out of prison, he (or even she) will not have many options. Sure, there are some Black People who can manage to put their past behind them and make a new life for themselves by becoming a productive member of society… and then there are the formerly incarcerated Black People who become so consumed with obtaining a Cadillac Escalade with chrome rims and expensive tennis shoes that the only way to do so is to turn to crime. After all, most employers are far more likely to hire someone with a clean record and a collage education instead of a (Black) ex-con with a GED.

And so, the only place where a formerly incarcerated Black Person can feel any sense of acceptance or purpose (no matter how superficial) is in prison. Unless they become rappers. And even then going to prison could enhance their reputation and greatly increase their street cred. As long as there are prisons in America there will be Black People in them.