Blog Archives

#46. Going Back To Prison

arrestAs much as incarcerated Black People dig getting out of prison, it doesn’t beat going right back to prison.

“But why would Black People dig going back to prison?” you ask? The answers may shock you.

When an incarcerated Black Person gets out of prison, he (or even she) will not have many options. Sure, there are some Black People who can manage to put their past behind them and make a new life for themselves by becoming a productive member of society… and then there are the formerly incarcerated Black People who become so consumed with obtaining a Cadillac Escalade with chrome rims and expensive tennis shoes that the only way to do so is to turn to crime. After all, most employers are far more likely to hire someone with a clean record and a collage education instead of a (Black) ex-con with a GED.

And so, the only place where a formerly incarcerated Black Person can feel any sense of acceptance or purpose (no matter how superficial) is in prison. Unless they become rappers. And even then going to prison could enhance their reputation and greatly increase their street cred. As long as there are prisons in America there will be Black People in them.

#29. Scarface

scarfaceIt has already been established that Black People dig movies, but it’s the kind of movies Black People dig that’s worth noting.

Stop a random Black Person on the street and ask them if they’ve seen any bonafide classics such as “Casablanca“, “Dr. Strangelove” or even “Citizen Kane” and chances are you will get nothing but blank stares. But ask that same Black Person what the greatest movie ever made was and chances are they will undoubtedly say “Scarface” 100% of the time.

The fact that this film has had such a large impact on Black Culture is truly amazing seeing as that it has virtually no Black People in it and was not made by Spike Lee or Tyler Perry.

“Scarface” is the story of a poor immigrant named Tony Montana (played by Al Pacino) who comes to the United States illegally and rises to power. This is every single Black Person’s fantasy (the fact that Tony obtains power by killing and drug dealing and dies a horrible death is besides the point). Many Rhythmic Musicians including Sean Combs have listed this movie as their favorite, and if one Black Person likes something then all Black People must like it too.

Every Black Person that has disagreed that Scarface is not one of the greatest movies ever made has been kicked out of the Black Community and exiled to Canada, so if you see any Black People in Canada now you will know why they are there.

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.

#23. Big Face Watches

bigfacewatchIf you have been interacting with Black People for an extended period of time (forced or otherwise), you may have noticed that some of them tend to wear oversized watches.

Your first thought may have been that those particular Black People have poor eyesight and need watches with a bigger face to better see the time. If that was indeed your first thought then you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Not even close.

Black People like big face watches simply because it’s “baller“. Rhythmic Musicians (also known as “rappers“) are responsible for the increased desire in the Black Community to acquire and own this flashy article of jewelry.

This, unfortunately, does not impact a Black Person’s ability to reach a predetermined destination at the appointed hour (aka “CP Time“).