Blog Archives

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#53. Internet Dating Websites

internet_datingNearly everything a Black Person says, does or buys usually has something to do with Black People’s insatiable genetic desire to procreate.

But going to bars or clubs to find a potential mate is no longer the first line of attack for Black People to achieve this. Thanks to the Internet, dating websites have given Black People a new way to engage in questionable romantic entanglements.

Websites like MySpace, Face Book, Tagged and Black Planet are just a few online venues Black People explore on the road to initiating the mating ritual dance.

If you see a Black Person between the ages of 16 and 45 using a computer, chances are they are looking at or have recently visited an online dating or socializing website with the express intent of finding someone to date. If a Black Person in this same age range has an e-mail address, chances are they only got it because the internet dating website they went to required one in order to become a member.

Of course, lots of different kinds of people also prowl internet dating websites in search of a girlfriend/boyfriend or perhaps even a spouse. Not Black People, though, who use internet dating websites exclusively for hooking up (also known as a “one night stand” ).

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.

#19 Fiction Books About Sex and Infidelity

ZANEThere is a widespread belief that Black People don’t read books. This is 50% false. Although most Black People may not have a series of New York Times Bestsellers on the shelf next to their bootleg DVDs, chances are they will have a copy of Desperate Hoodwives, a Triple Crown Publication book, or at least one novel written by Kiki Swinson or ZANE. You will never find a copy of “Pride and Prejudice” or anything by Jane Austen or William Shakespeare anywhere within a 100 foot radius of any Black Person’s home.

As was mentioned in #14. Not Using Contraceptives, Black People have an insatiable appetite for “boning“. However, when a Black Person isn’t currently attached to anyone, they must find other was to feed their sexual desires. For Black Males porno usually does the trick, but for more educated Black Males and nearly all Black Females, they usually find solace in erotic fiction books.

Pretty much all these books tend to follow the same key plot-line: Black People having sex with each other and/or cheating on their significant other. This is the only subject that interests Black People, save for books about famous Black People like Michael Jackson.

If you are a Non-Black Person and wish to impress a Black Person you know or just met, be sure to mention how you’ve just finished reading the latest Zane novel and tell them how her writing is so much better than anything James Patterson or Danielle Steel could ever hope to write. This will automatically make you not a racist in the Black Community.

#14. Not Using Contraceptives

no_trojanAccording to the US Census Bureau, Black People make up approximately 13.5% of the population in the United States as of 2007. However, when’s the last time you saw a Black Female over the age of 19 that didn’t already have at least one kid?

It is truly amazing how the rate of teen pregnancy in the Black Community continues to skyrocket while the number of Black People in the United States stays exactly the same (but since when have Black People been known to take the census anyway?)

The vast majority of Young Black People attend public schools and, thanks to Christian Groups, the inclusion of comprehensive Sexual Education classes in the school curriculum has been expressly forbidden. This, combined with the fact that Black People have a libido 14 times stronger than most other groups of people and need to “bone” all the time, usually results in a plethora of pregnant Black teenagers.

However, there is a small but growing group of Young Black People that are trying to use contraceptives to prevent unwanted teen pregnancy, but as stated, the Black Libido is so powerful it can cut right through condoms and diaphragms like butter.

Also, there are rumors  floating around about a secret plan by the Black Community to overpopulate the United States with fatherless Black Children, but the plan has been constantly derailed by Stupid Black People who continue to get themselves arrested, killed, or get other Black People arrested and killed.