Blog Archives

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.

#22. Not Tipping

no_tipWhy don’t Black People like to tip? Well, there’s a popular joke that goes, “Why should you paint a canoe Black? Because then it won’t tip.” Truer words have never been spoken.

There are nearly 40 million Black People in the United States, and maybe twenty or so have ever left a tip for a waiter or waitress in their entire life. But why? Why do Black People refuse to leave a little extra money for people that survive on tips? The answers may surprise you.

The first reason is because of the movie Reservoir Dogs. Black People love Quentin Tarantino movies (especially Pulp Fiction) and watch them religiously, so it’s no wonder that Black People don’t tip because every single living Black Person has seen Reservoir Dogs and agrees 100% with Steve Buscemi’s monologue at the beginning of the film.

The other reason is that if Black People left tips all the time, they wouldn’t have enough money left over to buy expensive tennis shoes, Cadillac Escalades, rims and bootleg DVDs.

There is an ongoing myth that all Black People are either living off of welfare, have record deals, or have a multi-million dollar contract with an athletic sports team. As much as Black People wish this were true, it just isn’t. Most Black People come from lower-middle class incomes and can barely pay the rent, so they horde every penny they can and do not endorse “giving away free money”.

So if you are a waiter or waitress and wonder why Black People don’t tip, blame Quentin Tarantino and gentrification. It’s all their fault.

#4. Expensive Tennis Shoes

expensiveshoes

Let’s face it, everyone loves wearing expensive shoes. They look good, feel good (sometimes), and if you have the money to afford them you must be doing pretty good financially (or have access to lots of money).

However, wearing expensive tennis shoes in the Black Community isn’t just a fashion statement, it’s a status symbol. The same way a Black Person will put ridiculously expensive rims on a ridiculously inexpensive or downright ugly piece of junk vehicle, a Black Person will blow their entire checking account on a pair of Brand New white and clean-looking Nikes (or whichever brand is in style at the moment) and wear them in an environment they know full well will ensure their shoes won’t stay white, Brand New or clean-looking for very long in a vain and foolish attempt to look “fly” or “baller” (looking “fly” or “baller” at all times is extremely crucial to every Black Person).

It’s also no surprise that females in the Black Community usually decide which man they will decide to get pregnant by depending on how expensive his shoes are, for if a man can afford expensive shoes he must surely be able to financially support a child and the mother it came from.

This is why it has become increasingly dangerous to frequent any establishment where a large amount of Black People are wearing expensive tennis shoes because it increases the chances of said shoes being scuffed or stepped on, resulting in a disastrous situation that will always end in violence 100% of the time.