Blog Archives

#65. Loose Clothing

During slavery, Black People were provided tattered clothing devoid of style or originality (how they survived without expensive tennis shoes back then is anyone’s guess).

And so, now that Black People have their freedom, some naturally want to go right back to the way things used to be. Are you confused? Well, you should be.

When Black People wear tight or form-fitting clothing, they are immediately reminded of their ancestors being chained up and shuttled across the ocean to the Americas in the cramped hulls of slave ships. This can cause some Black People to immediately lose consciousness or break out in hives. The only solution is to wear loose clothing, as not to feel trapped or caged.

Of course, the downside is that this form of fashion makes some Black People look ridiculous.

But similar to how Black People like to be creative in styling their hair and naming their children, they also like to wear their clothes in creative ways. A huge part of Black Culture is about being different (from Caucasian People).

There are certain conditions in which Black People that love loose clothing will give it up for proper clothing…

Actually, no, there’s not. It will never change.

#54. Not Getting Married

wedding-ringWhen it comes to the subject of marriage, Black People have a very unique story to tell.

During slavery, when a Black Couple wanted to get married they were out of luck because it was illegal for slaves to marry, so the ritual of “jumping the broom” was invented as a symbolic gesture (it is assumed the game of limbo was created when a large number of slaves got divorced).

There are 40.9 million Black People in America. More than 1 million Black Males are incarcerated and are thus out of the dating pool, while educated Black Females seem to be putting their education and careers first, as well as refusing to date outside of their race. What’s the deal with Black People and marriage?

Well, the most obvious reasons why Black People don’t dig getting married is judgment and responsibility.

Black People, usually Black Females, have extremely poor judgment when it comes to choosing a spouse, hence why the term “baby mama” has become so popular. Black Females are also 10 times more likely to be romanced by a “thug” or “baller” with no apparent future or prospects who very clearly has no intention of ever getting married or taking responsibility for any children born out of wedlock.

Also Black People, usually Black Males, have suffered a habitual problem with not taking responsibility for the children they father and have instead opted to have children by multiple women instead or, in other words, have endorsed polygamy (minus the marriage part). Many Black Males have been raised exclusively by their mothers and have no real concept of what a father is and are doomed to follow that terrible example.

However, there are solutions that can improve the rate of marriage among Black People, but they seem to rest almost exclusively in the hands of Black Females. Black Males are still males, after all, and it is nearly impossible for them to change their ways short of mind control.

The easiest solution would be for Black Females, namely the educated ones, to open themselves up to pursuing romantic relationships with Non-Black People, but since that has very little chance of actually happening, Black Females could resign themselves to remaining celibate until their wedding night. But since that also has almost zero chance of ever happening, the only solution left would be for The President to issue an executive order for more Black People to marry each other.

Sadly, that probably wouldn’t work either. The search for more realistic solutions to get a Black Person to marry another Black Person is still ongoing.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.

#37. Having Indian In Their Family

indiansAlthough Black People take great pride in being Black and are always mindful of their African heritage, there is also an unusual generational practice throughout the Black Community of advertising (more like bragging) that they have Native American ancestors.

Different from how some Caucasian People like to claim their British, French, German, Scottish or Irish ancestries (which is not unlike claiming to have “California” or “Texas” ancestry), Black People like to claim they have Native American ancestry for many different reasons, paramount of which being that Native Americans are known to have “good hair”.

The other major reason being that the ancestors of both Black People and Native Americans have been seriously wronged by Caucasian People in the past, most notably slavery, Manifest Destiny and the Trail of Tears. Not to mention the fact that both groups have been repeatedly demonized in old American movies for decades; Black People being portrayed as fools working menial jobs and Native Americans being portrayed as savage killers that rape and kidnap Caucasian Females.

Both groups are also routinely mislabeled by most of American Society; Native Americans are commonly referred to as “Indians” (even by Black People) and Black People are usually referred to as “African Americans” (even if they were born and raised in Canada).

However, if a Black Person does claim to have Native American ancestry and it is pretty obvious that isn’t true, do not under any circumstances call them on it. Challenging a Black Person’s Native American lineage can only end in violence.

#34. Supporting Stupid Black People

chrisbrownOn February 8th of this year musician Chris Brown, Black Person, physically abused his girlfriend Rihanna, but some of his fans (who just so happened to be Black) have continued to support him despite his terrible actions.

Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick, Black Person, was convicted for his involvement in an illegal dog fighting ring, but still had Black Celebrities supporting him including Whoopie Goldberg and Jamie Foxx, who even tried to explain Vick’s actions as being “a cultural thing” (which would be like Jeffrey Dahmer‘s lawyer defending his client’s actions as being “a cultural thing”). This act of Black People defending obviously guilty Black People for their crimes is not as unusual or uncommon as you might think.

Thanks to slavery and the terrible events that occurred during the Civil Rights Movement, Black People have developed an overwhelming need to protect their own when attacked (but then again who doesn’t?). However, this also means that any criticism or negative press towards another Black Person by someone that is not also a Black Person (no matter how factual) is not to be believed and is seen as a deliberate attack against all Black People everywhere.

Hence why supporting stupid Black People has become such a dangerous practice within the Black Community, even more dangerous than purchasing rims. It all seems to have started with the O.J. Trial (where the Black Community has at least admitted their mistake in that instance) and has worked its way right into present day.

Will Black People ever recognize the need to criticize their own when one beats up his girlfriend, abuses animals or uses a homophobic slur while being interviewed? Only time will tell.

#28. Spanking Their Children and Not Apologizing For It

spankingIn June 2007, Ernest Haycraft (Caucasian Person), was arrested for beating his child with a belt. His mistake? He was Caucasian.

You see, where Caucasian People are looked down upon and condemned for dispensing some leather justice on their child’s behind, it is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged in the Black Community. Many Black People who were spanked as children have grown into adults and even thanked their parents for properly disciplining them. But why? The answers may shock you.

Really, it all goes back to slavery.

When Black People were slaves they were repeatedly whipped and beaten, sometimes half to death, sometimes all the way to death. Slavery may have ended over 140 years ago, but Black People have decided to continue to adopt the practice of disciplining their children in much the same way (albeit without the “death” part).

It is also worth mentioning that many methods Caucasian People use to discipline their children (time outs, punishments, restricting television or Internet privileges) just doesn’t seem to work on Black People’s children the same way a belt, brush or extension cord across the behind most certainly does.

So if you are a Caucasian Person with a problem child and are afraid of being arrested for properly disciplining your child, call your nearest Black representative and they will be right over to do the job for you, sometimes without even getting paid. After all it is a public service.

#20. Puffy Coats

puffycoatIf you are a Non-Black Person, seeing Black People in the snowy winter months must seem very strange to you. While you are still wearing shorts and sandals, Black People are wearing thick winter clothing and freezing their butts off. What’s the deal?

This, of course, can be traced back to slavery.

You see, Black People are a tropical group by nature. Dark skin can not absorb heat from the sun as easily as pale skin can. The downside is that Black People tend to feel 37% colder during the winter months than Non-Black People, which means they need extra thick clothing to keep warm, i.e. puffy coats.

Sure, Black People could wear reasonably-sized coats and still keep warm, but what you must understand is that when it comes to Black People, anything that’s worth doing is worth overdoing in the never ending quest to be “baller“.

#16. Being Good At Running

usain-boltIn August at the 2009 Berlin World Championships Usain St. Leo Bolt, Black Person, ran 200 meters in 19.19 seconds…

Damn.

And he didn’t even have police dogs chasing after him. Impressive. But Black People have always been fast runners.

This, of course, dates back to slavery (like most things about Black People).

The intelligence of Black People has been constantly challenged over the course of history. Low test scores and declining college graduation rates continue to perpetuate the belief that Black People are stupid. Whether that is true or not is up to Black People, but one thing’s for sure: they can certainly run fast.

This is exactly why Hollywood studios will not allow themselves to put too many Black People in horror movies. Having Jason Voorhees outrun a Black Person just requires too much suspension of disbelief.

#15. Being Openly Racist

openlyracistBecause of slavery, Black People feel a universal sense of entitlement from Caucasian People. Since it looks like Black People will not receive reparations or casinos anytime soon, there’s only one way Black People can get revenge for slavery: being openly racist and knowing they can get away with it.

This puts Caucasian People in a bad spot and builds up further resentment towards Black People, because Black People can be as racist toward Caucasian People as they want knowing full well Caucasian People are restricted from openly stating anything negative about Black People lest they be branded a racist (even if the Black Person in question is a total jerk that has it coming). However, there are three types of Black People when it comes to this issue.

1) Neutral; these tend to be Young Black People who have had good experiences with Caucasian People of a similar age and bear no slavery or civil rights-related malice towards people with pale skin.

2) Closet Racist; these tend to be Black People in their 30’s or 40’s who grew up in the 70’s, 80’s or early 90’s and may have experienced some general racism. They realize not all Caucasian People want to hang them from a tree or drag them from the back of their pickup truck, but that whole slavery thing was just too big to brush off.

3) 100% Racist; these tend to be Older Black People who grew up in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s who most certainly did experience racism through an attack dog’s bite, the sting of a fire hose, or the pain in the butt from sitting at lunch counters all day. These Black People are usually bitter and unreasonable and will never give Caucasian People (or any Non-Black group for that matter) an inch to save their life.

The legacy that Openly Racist Black People leave on the world is making Caucasian People jealous. Everyone on the planet is prejudice towards some group of people to some degree, but the problem arises when Caucasian People, who have been able to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted for centuries up till now, are told they can’t talk bad about Black People. This is extremely frustrating to Caucasian People, a frustration that Black People revel in and go to sleep at night with a smile on their face thinking about.

#11. Bringing Up Slavery

rootsIf you are not a Black Person then you cannot possibly imagine what it feels like to know that your ancestors were snatched from their homeland, shipped overseas to another continent in chains like cattle and forced to work long hard hours year round with no pay, no days off, and no civil rights. That’s why Black People will go out of their way to remind you of this every chance they get.

Black People have a very long memory and have absolutely no qualms about bringing up the topic of slavery when it may benefit them (and even when it may not… especially when it may not).

Every problem that exists within the Black Community can be traced back to slavery (aka “racism”). Despite the fact that slavery ended over 140 years ago, many Black People can still feel what it was like to be a slave and believe that Caucasian People owe them something for the atrocities carried out by their ancestors (at least Native Americans got casinos, didn’t they?)

Despite the fact that nearly every Caucasian Person alive has never legally owned a slave before, Black People know in their hearts that, if slavery were brought back, Caucasian People would rejoice in the streets and would throw a huge “Slavery’s Back!” party complete with free booze, confetti and Macy’s Day Parade floats.

The only way for Black People to make sure that this never ever happens is to insure that Caucasian People feel guilty about slavery at all timesĀ  and to never, ever let them for get it.