Blog Archives

#68. Not Eating Right

This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but Black People like to eat.

“But everyone likes to eat!” you might be saying to yourself. That’s true, nearly 34% of adults are obese in the U.S. But at least 60% of Black males are overweight and 78% of Black females lead the population in obesity.

Ouch. That’s harsh. But what could the cause be? Is it hereditary? Is it because the Black Community accepts larger body sizes? Is it because Black People don’t feel as guilty or ashamed about being overweight as much as other groups? Is it because Black People are less likely to “purge” or take other extreme measures to lose weight? Or is it simply fried chicken?

No. It’s none of these things.

The problem is food itself. Food just tastes too good to Black People. They simply cannot resist free food. If you have wronged a Black Person or wish to make friends with a Black Person, offering them tasty food is the best and easiest way to get in their good graces. Have a lot of Black People you need to impress? Have a cookout/barbecue! You’ll have tons of Black Friends in no time!

However, under no circumstances should you offer a Black Person anything “diet” or “healthy”. To do so will only end in violence. You have been warned.

#30. Frying

fried-chickenIt is a commonly held truism that Black People (and only Black People) just love fried chicken, that they just can’t get enough of it. That a Black Person would trade in all their worldly possessions for a lifetime supply of fried chicken.

This is without a doubt 100% fact.

No other group of people on the entire planet likes fried chicken except Black People. Both the Kentucky Fried Chicken and Popeye’s Chicken franchises thrive only because of Black People’s unquenchable lust for fried chicken. If you ever see a Caucasian Person in a Popeye’s Chicken or KFC it’s because they are lost and are just asking for directions to the nearest Wendy’s.

But fried chicken is only the symptom to a much larger issue when it comes to Black Culture. Black People love fried anything. French Fries, fish, turkey, pork chops, you name it and it tastes better fried to any Black Person you feed it to. If something can be cooked and eaten then it can be fried first. If the only thing left to eat in the whole world were Twinkies, Black People would find a way to fry them and make them taste good.

But why do Black People like to fry things so much? No one really knows. Not even slavery can explain this one away. And despite the health risks associated with constantly eating fried foods, Black People have no intention of giving up this practice anytime soon. Peace will come to the Middle East before Black People stop eating fried food, especially chicken.

#5. Eating at Mama’s House

mamafoodDo you know a Black Person? Well, here’s an experiment you can perform. Take a Black Person out to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. Order all the best dishes and make sure you get the Black Person’s opinion on how great the food tastes.

Then arrange to have dinner at the Black Person’s mother’s house the very next night. 11 times out of 10 the Black Person in question will prefer the food cooked and consumed at their mother’s house. Not even Wolfgang Puck can whip up a plate of food tastier than a Black Person’s mother can. It’s an irrefutable scientific fact.

It doesn’t even matter if the Black Person’s mother is currently deceased. Any food cooked and eaten at their mother’s last known residence will always taste better than food cooked and eaten anywhere else on the face of the Earth. Is it nostalgia? Is it genetics? Who knows? But if you ever attempt to impress a black person with your cooking, be forewarned: your potato salad will never even come close to mama’s. Don’t even try.