Blog Archives

#69. Threatening To Go Back To Africa

If you spend enough time around Black People, chances are you will run into one who is so fed up with the many harsh ways they are treated in the United States that they will claim they want to return to Africa.

Well, don’t believe them. Have you actually been to Africa lately? Do you know how much it would cost to ship 24 inch rims to Africa? Or how difficult it is to get your hands on a pair of really expensive tennis shoes or a Cadillac Escalade? Sure, the weather’s warm, but beloved Black activities like owning a puffy coat or bringing up slavery would be pointless.

A Black Person born and raised in the US simply can not function in a place like Africa. Remember that time Michael Jordan went off to play baseball? Same thing. Just a terrible idea all around.

A Black Person who threatens to go back to Africa is just like a Caucasian Person fed up with the US government threatens to move to Canada. They’ll never do. And if they do they’re crazy.

#68. Not Eating Right

This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but Black People like to eat.

“But everyone likes to eat!” you might be saying to yourself. That’s true, nearly 34% of adults are obese in the U.S. But at least 60% of Black males are overweight and 78% of Black females lead the population in obesity.

Ouch. That’s harsh. But what could the cause be? Is it hereditary? Is it because the Black Community accepts larger body sizes? Is it because Black People don’t feel as guilty or ashamed about being overweight as much as other groups? Is it because Black People are less likely to “purge” or take other extreme measures to lose weight? Or is it simply fried chicken?

No. It’s none of these things.

The problem is food itself. Food just tastes too good to Black People. They simply cannot resist free food. If you have wronged a Black Person or wish to make friends with a Black Person, offering them tasty food is the best and easiest way to get in their good graces. Have a lot of Black People you need to impress? Have a cookout/barbecue! You’ll have tons of Black Friends in no time!

However, under no circumstances should you offer a Black Person anything “diet” or “healthy”. To do so will only end in violence. You have been warned.

#65. Loose Clothing

During slavery, Black People were provided tattered clothing devoid of style or originality (how they survived without expensive tennis shoes back then is anyone’s guess).

And so, now that Black People have their freedom, some naturally want to go right back to the way things used to be. Are you confused? Well, you should be.

When Black People wear tight or form-fitting clothing, they are immediately reminded of their ancestors being chained up and shuttled across the ocean to the Americas in the cramped hulls of slave ships. This can cause some Black People to immediately lose consciousness or break out in hives. The only solution is to wear loose clothing, as not to feel trapped or caged.

Of course, the downside is that this form of fashion makes some Black People look ridiculous.

But similar to how Black People like to be creative in styling their hair and naming their children, they also like to wear their clothes in creative ways. A huge part of Black Culture is about being different (from Caucasian People).

There are certain conditions in which Black People that love loose clothing will give it up for proper clothing…

Actually, no, there’s not. It will never change.

#64. Driving Without Insurance

geico-geckoWhen you purchase a car, the first thing you should buy next is car insurance. Unless, of course, you are a Black Person.

You see, despite the fact that the Black Community is likely to be pulled over far more often than most other groups, Black People still like to believe that they are lucky. And lucky people don’t get into car accidents. So why buy insurance? Or stay at home just because your license is suspended? But these are only small symptoms to a much larger problem.

Black People do not like to allocate money to things they actually need. Car insurance. Health insurance. Social Security. If it doesn’t have wheels, a remote, a controller, can’t be worn or eaten or isn’t made out of gold, chances are a Black Person isn’t interested in spending money on it.

#61. The First 7 Minutes of Chasing Amy

chasing_amyIn 1994, writer/director Kevin Smith was heavily criticized by the Black Community for neglecting to include any Black People in his uproarious feature debut “Clerks“.

However, three years and two films later Mr. Smith not only put a Black Person in his 1997 film “Chasing Amy“, but he also made the character a homosexual because, as everyone knows, a Black Homosexual in a movie will automatically become a rich source of laughter 100% of the time.

And so, Kevin Smith gave his first Black Character a very hilarious 3 minute monologue that manages to encapsulate the Black Community’s views on how Black Characters are portrayed in comic books, graphic novels, TV and movies. And it even manages to include how much Black People are tired of hearing about Lando Calrissian (that was almost 30 years ago!).

This scene is easily the highlight of the entire film.

The Black Community has accepted this scene as a personal apology from Mr. Smith for neglecting them in his past films (he would later go on to work with Chris Rock and Craig Robinson).

However, he is not completely safe from being called a racist until he writes and/or directs a (good) film with a Black Person as the main character. This goes for pretty much every filmmaker with great examples like Steven Spielberg (“The Color Purple“) and Clint Eastwood (“Bird“, despite what Spike Lee says.).

#60. Disrespecting Law Enforcement

racial_profilingBlack People and Law Enforcement have always had a pretty tumultuous relationship.

Many people (mostly select groups that are Pro-Caucasian People) believe that there would be no crime, rape or murder in the United States if someone would just lock up all those pesky Black People who are genetically predisposed to committing crime.

Assuming this were true, it would point to one of history’s greatest unknown secrets: crimes like theft, murder and rape did not exist in America until after Black People came to this country.

Before Black People set food in the colonies, there was absolutely no criminal activity. But after the emancipation proclamation, 100% of all crimes were committed solely by Black People and directed exclusively against Caucasian People.

So it is no wonder that law enforcement feels the need to pull over and harass someone who happens to be “Driving While Black” even though more than half of rapists are not Black People and serial killers tend to not be Black Males who happen to be interested in police work.

It is also worth mentioning that many of the gangsters who made millions bootlegging during prohibition like Al Capone and Lucky Luciano were secretly Black People. Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, the couple who robbed banks and killed innocent people before being gunned down by police? They were Black People too. The kids who shot up Columbine? Timothy McVeigh? George Sodini? Richard Poplawski? Ryan Alexander Jenkins? Raymond Clark? Charles Stuart? Andrea Yates? Susan Smith? Aileen Wuornos? All Black People.

But should the entire Black Community be blamed for the actions of a few individuals. Well of course they should. Who else is going to take the blame? So disenfranchised Black People will continue to disrespect law enforcement. That is until Hispanic People become the new Black People.

#55. Getting Drunk

colt_45If you didn’t already know, Black People love to get drunk. Of course lots of different people like to get drunk too, but when Black People are concerned, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

For those who can not afford a bottle of Cristal and are not in the mood for Hennessy, malt liquor is a strong and relatively inexpensive alcoholic product that can be found at every beer distributor and is preferred to be consumed in ounces of 40.

Getting drunk is a significant part of Black Culture. From going to the movies, to visiting relatives or facilitating the mating ritual dance, there is no event in Black Culture that can’t be made more enjoyable by getting intoxicated. Some Black People even like to get drunk before they get drunk at a bar or nightclub. But this terrible habit is actually just a piece in a much more complex puzzle.

As you may already know, Black People love to talk. A Black Person will sometimes do something they know they know full well shouldn’t do just so they will have something to talk about with their friends at a later date.

Although intoxication can sometimes impair memory, most Black People are capable of retaining just enough memory so that they can recall all of the crazy and outrageous things they did while intoxicated and can be the center of attention amongst their group of acquaintances for a small period of time.

If prohibition were to ever be reinstated, the Black Community would be doomed to extinction mostly due to boredom.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.

#50. Using The N Word

the-n-word-DVDThe “N” Word has a long and sordid history that everyone is (or should be)  aware of. It’s a bad word. It’s a hateful word. Every intelligent person alive knows this…

Except Black People.

Ask almost any Black Person. They will admit that the “N” Word is a bad word that is not to be spoken…

Unless you are a Black Person.

If you are not a Black Person, this must seem extremely odd to you. Why do Black People continue to use and call each other the “N” Word and its variations, but will get extremely upset and offended if a Non-Black Person uses the same word, even in a non-derogatory manner? The answer is quite easy to explain.

Some Black People are just idiots. Every culture has idiots, both male and female, young and old, but Black People who insist on using one of the worst and most racially charged words in the English language on a daily bases and claim that they’re “taking back the N Word” are clearly in denial.

Do you know what the different between the “N” Word and a word like “shenanigans” is? Black People don’t enjoy saying “shenanigans”.

If Black People really wanted to be rid of this hateful word, they would make an effort not to use it in conversation, around their children, or with friends. But like smokers who know that cigarette smoking leads to cancer and health problems, some Black People are more than willing to keep using the cancerous “N” Word and don’t care what ill effects it will bring on them, those around them, and their community in general.

The only difference, of course, is that Black Smokers don’t mind seeing Non-Black Smokers smoke. But what Black People don’t like is seeing or hearing Non-Black People use words that they obviously enjoy using, especially the “N” Word. And “dawg“.

#49. Discriminating Against Thin Women

skinny_keira_knightleyIt is a common stereotype that Black People favor a plump rear end over one that looks like an undercooked pancake. Of course, it goes without saying that this stereotype is 100% fact, but it is also the symptom to a much larger issue.

When compared to other groups, Black People have been blessed (or cursed, depending on the point of view) with many enlarged bodily features. Lips, noses, rear ends and… other parts. So it is only natural that most Black People would prefer these larger attributes when it comes to seeking a mate.

This has resulted in active discrimination and making fun of anyone (mostly Asian and Caucasian women) who does not fit this more curvaceous idea of feminine beauty and desire. This usually includes women with extremely small or no breasts, an underdeveloped behind, narrow hips, or a woman whose rib cage can be seen without sucking in their stomach. In other words, skinny.

However, what really ramps up Black People’s prejudice towards thin women is America’s acceptance and overall preference for associating grown women who have the body of a 10-year-old boy as being the epitome of beauty. Once upon a time, Marilyn Monroe was the undisputed ideal of American beauty. But if she were alive today, she would be classified as being a “plumper“.

And since Black Females are more likely to have the figure of Marilyn Monroe instead of Olive Oyl, the Black Community’s malice towards thin women is likely to continue and even grow as time goes on.