Blog Archives

#48. Friday

fridayIt is common knowledge that no feature film with a cast made up mostly of Black People will ever win an Oscar. Steven Spielberg directed The Color Purple and the Academy couldn’t even give that film one single win out of seven nominations.

But if there is one film that Black People wish had won the Academy Award for Best Picture, it’s “Friday”.

Friday is perhaps the single greatest movie ever made according to the Black Community, even topping Scarface in most circles. This film embodies nearly every aspect of an authentic Black American living experience. Unemployment, alcohol, cannabis, the hood, stereotypes, drug dealers, racism, gang shootings, cereal, a rapper trying to act, women with big butts, and the Black Main Character actually gets the girl in the end (unlike most Denzel Washington and Will Smith movies).

If you are not a Black Person and you intend on interacting with Black People on a regular basis, you must watch Friday and you must not only enjoy it, but publicly state verbally or on the Internet that it is one of the single greatest movies ever made. Otherwise you may as well just wear a white sheet over your head and have a swastika tattooed onto your body. Saying that you hate Friday will result in the exact same reaction in Black People.

#42. Attention

interruptionYou already know that Black People talk loud because they feel their voices are not being heard by society. But even when a Black Person knows their voice is being heard, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Sometimes they have to go that extra mile and illegally cross the border from “loud” and migrate into “obnoxious” territory.

These Black People are commonly known as “attention whores“.

Granted, anyone can be an attention whore, but Black People don’t settle for being “just” an attention whore, they have to be “the” attention whore. This goes far beyond complaining and talking loud. These particular Black People are trying to reach the level of what The President would refer to as being “a jackass“.

These particular Black People tend to be well off or feel some overwhelming sense of prestige or entitlement that allows them to fulfill the need to act a fool (i.e. stereotypical) and be a nuisance to everyone within earshot. But what really makes these particular attention-hungry Black People different from most other groups is that you can only call them on their jackassness if you are also a Black Person, otherwise you will be labeled a racist.

#27. Refering To Celebrities By Their First Names

denzelThere is a persistent myth that has been circulating for years that all Black People know each other. That, somehow, the Black Community shares a collective consciousness, a hive mind in which they are all connected and are aware of each other.

This, of course, is 100% true.

The most damming evidence being that Black People refer to other Black People they have never met by their first names. “Denzel”, “Halle”, “BeyoncĂ©”, “Barack”, “Oprah” and  the list goes on.

Black People refer to these famous personalities by their first names because Black People are mentally connected to each other and share each other’s thoughts. This is also why. when a Black Person does something terrible like commit a serious crime, that the entire Black Community is to blame and must take full responsibility for not contacting that particular Black Person with telepathy and telling him or her not to commit the terrible crime.

It is also widely believed that “marijuana” can heighten the telepathic link between large groups of Black People, but the side effects that come with this practice (sleepiness, increased appetite, impaired motor skills) seriously reduces Black People’s ability to harness this superhuman power for good.

However, experiments with marijuana, or “weed“, are still ongoing.

#23. Big Face Watches

bigfacewatchIf you have been interacting with Black People for an extended period of time (forced or otherwise), you may have noticed that some of them tend to wear oversized watches.

Your first thought may have been that those particular Black People have poor eyesight and need watches with a bigger face to better see the time. If that was indeed your first thought then you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Not even close.

Black People like big face watches simply because it’s “baller“. Rhythmic Musicians (also known as “rappers“) are responsible for the increased desire in the Black Community to acquire and own this flashy article of jewelry.

This, unfortunately, does not impact a Black Person’s ability to reach a predetermined destination at the appointed hour (aka “CP Time“).

#22. Not Tipping

no_tipWhy don’t Black People like to tip? Well, there’s a popular joke that goes, “Why should you paint a canoe Black? Because then it won’t tip.” Truer words have never been spoken.

There are nearly 40 million Black People in the United States, and maybe twenty or so have ever left a tip for a waiter or waitress in their entire life. But why? Why do Black People refuse to leave a little extra money for people that survive on tips? The answers may surprise you.

The first reason is because of the movie Reservoir Dogs. Black People love Quentin Tarantino movies (especially Pulp Fiction) and watch them religiously, so it’s no wonder that Black People don’t tip because every single living Black Person has seen Reservoir Dogs and agrees 100% with Steve Buscemi’s monologue at the beginning of the film.

The other reason is that if Black People left tips all the time, they wouldn’t have enough money left over to buy expensive tennis shoes, Cadillac Escalades, rims and bootleg DVDs.

There is an ongoing myth that all Black People are either living off of welfare, have record deals, or have a multi-million dollar contract with an athletic sports team. As much as Black People wish this were true, it just isn’t. Most Black People come from lower-middle class incomes and can barely pay the rent, so they horde every penny they can and do not endorse “giving away free money”.

So if you are a waiter or waitress and wonder why Black People don’t tip, blame Quentin Tarantino and gentrification. It’s all their fault.

#21. Lotion and Chapstick

lotion_chapstickIf you are not a Black Person, you may not be aware that Black People can easily contract a fairly common yet horrible skin condition known as “being ashy” and often times their lips can get extremely chapped, or “crusty”.

For a Black Person to go out in public with ashy skin and crusty lips is a terrible criminal offense to all Black People and ranks right up there with owning a Prius and dating a Caucasian Person.

Everyone gets dry skin, but Black People get dry skin 88.8% more than most other groups, so Black People have decided to turn it into a huge issue. The only way that Black People can combat ashy skin and crusty lips is to have a travel bottle of lotion (preferably Lubriderm) and at least two sticks of chapstick on their person at all times (but not the cheap Dollar Store stuff, but the CVS or Rite Aid high quality expensive stuff).

Note: A Black Person can not achieve “baller” status with ashy skin and crusty lips. The only thing they can achieve is getting laughed at and made fun of by properly moisturized and lubricated Black People.

#17. Obamawear

obamawearIt goes without saying that Black People love the new president (did you know he’s Black?). But it’s the intensity in which Black People love the new president that is most telling.

It is common knowledge that Black People can love things up to 9% more than most other groups of people, so it’s no wonder that Black People choose to express their love for the new president in the most sacred way possible: clothing.

The same way certain Caucasian People like to advertise their political views in the form of bumper stickers on their pickup trucks, Black People like to wear theirs in the form of a walking talking human billboard. Shirts, caps, wristbands, you name it. If you were to pick a random Black Person off the street and take a look into their closet you would most certainly find at least one item of clothing with the new president’s name or face on it.

Black People have a spiritual connection with the clothing they choose to wear. What a Black Person wears in public can tell you everything you need to know about that particular Black Person. So when they choose to advertise the newly elected president by wearing his name or likeness, they are letting everyone know they are Black, will never vote Republican, and are in love with the fact that the new president is a Black Person like them, and “that’s what’s up“.

#16. Being Good At Running

usain-boltIn August at the 2009 Berlin World Championships Usain St. Leo Bolt, Black Person, ran 200 meters in 19.19 seconds…

Damn.

And he didn’t even have police dogs chasing after him. Impressive. But Black People have always been fast runners.

This, of course, dates back to slavery (like most things about Black People).

The intelligence of Black People has been constantly challenged over the course of history. Low test scores and declining college graduation rates continue to perpetuate the belief that Black People are stupid. Whether that is true or not is up to Black People, but one thing’s for sure: they can certainly run fast.

This is exactly why Hollywood studios will not allow themselves to put too many Black People in horror movies. Having Jason Voorhees outrun a Black Person just requires too much suspension of disbelief.