Blog Archives

#65. Loose Clothing

During slavery, Black People were provided tattered clothing devoid of style or originality (how they survived without expensive tennis shoes back then is anyone’s guess).

And so, now that Black People have their freedom, some naturally want to go right back to the way things used to be. Are you confused? Well, you should be.

When Black People wear tight or form-fitting clothing, they are immediately reminded of their ancestors being chained up and shuttled across the ocean to the Americas in the cramped hulls of slave ships. This can cause some Black People to immediately lose consciousness or break out in hives. The only solution is to wear loose clothing, as not to feel trapped or caged.

Of course, the downside is that this form of fashion makes some Black People look ridiculous.

But similar to how Black People like to be creative in styling their hair and naming their children, they also like to wear their clothes in creative ways. A huge part of Black Culture is about being different (from Caucasian People).

There are certain conditions in which Black People that love loose clothing will give it up for proper clothing…

Actually, no, there’s not. It will never change.

#64. Driving Without Insurance

geico-geckoWhen you purchase a car, the first thing you should buy next is car insurance. Unless, of course, you are a Black Person.

You see, despite the fact that the Black Community is likely to be pulled over far more often than most other groups, Black People still like to believe that they are lucky. And lucky people don’t get into car accidents. So why buy insurance? Or stay at home just because your license is suspended? But these are only small symptoms to a much larger problem.

Black People do not like to allocate money to things they actually need. Car insurance. Health insurance. Social Security. If it doesn’t have wheels, a remote, a controller, can’t be worn or eaten or isn’t made out of gold, chances are a Black Person isn’t interested in spending money on it.

#50. Using The N Word

the-n-word-DVDThe “N” Word has a long and sordid history that everyone is (or should be)¬† aware of. It’s a bad word. It’s a hateful word. Every intelligent person alive knows this…

Except Black People.

Ask almost any Black Person. They will admit that the “N” Word is a bad word that is not to be spoken…

Unless you are a Black Person.

If you are not a Black Person, this must seem extremely odd to you. Why do Black People continue to use and call each other the “N” Word and its variations, but will get extremely upset and offended if a Non-Black Person uses the same word, even in a non-derogatory manner? The answer is quite easy to explain.

Some Black People are just idiots. Every culture has idiots, both male and female, young and old, but Black People who insist on using one of the worst and most racially charged words in the English language on a daily bases and claim that they’re “taking back the N Word” are clearly in denial.

Do you know what the different between the “N” Word and a word like “shenanigans” is? Black People don’t enjoy saying “shenanigans”.

If Black People really wanted to be rid of this hateful word, they would make an effort not to use it in conversation, around their children, or with friends. But like smokers who know that cigarette smoking leads to cancer and health problems, some Black People are more than willing to keep using the cancerous “N” Word and don’t care what ill effects it will bring on them, those around them, and their community in general.

The only difference, of course, is that Black Smokers don’t mind seeing Non-Black Smokers smoke. But what Black People don’t like is seeing or hearing Non-Black People use words that they obviously enjoy using, especially the “N” Word. And “dawg“.

#46. Going Back To Prison

arrestAs much as incarcerated Black People dig getting out of prison, it doesn’t beat going right back to prison.

“But why would Black People dig going back to prison?” you ask? The answers may shock you.

When an incarcerated Black Person gets out of prison, he (or even she) will not have many options. Sure, there are some Black People who can manage to put their past behind them and make a new life for themselves by becoming a productive member of society… and then there are the formerly incarcerated Black People who become so consumed with obtaining a Cadillac Escalade with chrome rims and expensive tennis shoes that the only way to do so is to turn to crime. After all, most employers are far more likely to hire someone with a clean record and a collage education instead of a (Black) ex-con with a GED.

And so, the only place where a formerly incarcerated Black Person can feel any sense of acceptance or purpose (no matter how superficial) is in prison. Unless they become rappers. And even then going to prison could enhance their reputation and greatly increase their street cred. As long as there are prisons in America there will be Black People in them.

#42. Attention

interruptionYou already know that Black People talk loud because they feel their voices are not being heard by society. But even when a Black Person knows their voice is being heard, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Sometimes they have to go that extra mile and illegally cross the border from “loud” and migrate into “obnoxious” territory.

These Black People are commonly known as “attention whores“.

Granted, anyone can be an attention whore, but Black People don’t settle for being “just” an attention whore, they have to be “the” attention whore. This goes far beyond complaining and talking loud. These particular Black People are trying to reach the level of what The President would refer to as being “a jackass“.

These particular Black People tend to be well off or feel some overwhelming sense of prestige or entitlement that allows them to fulfill the need to act a fool (i.e. stereotypical) and be a nuisance to everyone within earshot. But what really makes these particular attention-hungry Black People different from most other groups is that you can only call them on their jackassness if you are also a Black Person, otherwise you will be labeled a racist.

#34. Supporting Stupid Black People

chrisbrownOn February 8th of this year musician Chris Brown, Black Person, physically abused his girlfriend Rihanna, but some of his fans (who just so happened to be Black) have continued to support him despite his terrible actions.

Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Michael Vick, Black Person, was convicted for his involvement in an illegal dog fighting ring, but still had Black Celebrities supporting him including Whoopie Goldberg and Jamie Foxx, who even tried to explain Vick’s actions as being “a cultural thing” (which would be like Jeffrey Dahmer‘s lawyer defending his client’s actions as being “a cultural thing”). This act of Black People defending obviously guilty Black People for their crimes is not as unusual or uncommon as you might think.

Thanks to slavery and the terrible events that occurred during the Civil Rights Movement, Black People have developed an overwhelming need to protect their own when attacked (but then again who doesn’t?). However, this also means that any criticism or negative press towards another Black Person by someone that is not also a Black Person (no matter how factual) is not to be believed and is seen as a deliberate attack against all Black People everywhere.

Hence why supporting stupid Black People has become such a dangerous practice within the Black Community, even more dangerous than purchasing rims. It all seems to have started with the O.J. Trial (where the Black Community has at least admitted their mistake in that instance) and has worked its way right into present day.

Will Black People ever recognize the need to criticize their own when one beats up his girlfriend, abuses animals or uses a homophobic slur while being interviewed? Only time will tell.

#24. Discriminating Against Interracial Couples

heidi-sealDespite the fact that virtually all Black People in America have ancestors that are not Black (i.e. slavery), and despite the fact that many famous personalities that are popular with Black People come from an interracial background (Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, The Rock, Vin Diesel, The President), the sight of a Black Person in an intimate embrace with someone that is not Black still sends a cold chill up a Black Person’s spine. But why? The answer is more complex than you might think.

Black Hate towards interracial couples is perhaps one of, if not the biggest controversy in the Black Community, but it is not without nuance. Black People are permitted to have intimate contact with the following Non-Black groups: Asian People, Spanish/Mexican People, Samoan People, Indian People, Native American People, dark-skinned Italian People, Aboriginal People and Jewish People with extremely curly hair.

Black People are not permitted to have intimate contact with the following Non-Black groups: Caucasian People.

The most despised combination is of course the Black Male and the Caucasian Female, even if it’s only in a fiction sense (just as Wesley Snipes). Because of the large number of incarcerated Black Males in America (over 1 million), the ratio of available Black Females to Black Males can be as high as 7 to 1 in some cases. And since the vast majority of Black Females can not possibly imagine living their lives without a Black Male to complain to their girlfriends about, many Black Females see interracial couples as threatening their personal happiness (even if the Black Female in question is already in a long-term relationship).

That and the Black Community’s ongoing resentment towards Caucasian People over slavery. Jewish People didn’t stop being intimate with Caucasian People after the holocaust, but Black People seem hellbent on limiting their romantic options and choosing to be alone rather than embrace Caucasian People as possible life partners. But Black People’s overwhelming propensity for “boning” will ultimately make this form of discrimination obsolete.

#18. Talking During The Movie

movietheaterIf you are a Non-Black Person and you are planning to see a film at a movie theater near an “urban” part of town, you should find an open flame and toss your movie tickets into it, because you are not paying to watch a movie, you are paying to listen to Black People provide their own personal audio commentary throughout the entire movie.

As much as Black People love watching bootleg DVDs, sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes they want to watch the new Denzel Washington or Tyler Perry movie at the theater, but Black People have become so used to talking during the movie at home that they forget not everyone shares their enthusiasm about how funny that last joke was or about how that murder victim should really find a better place to hide.

What Non-Black People don’t understand is just how passionate and involved Black People are with watching movies (Black People can experience passion up to 13% more than most other groups).

Unlike most Non-Black People that like to experience a movie in silence so that they can better hear the dialog and examine the hidden visual subtext, Black People take their movie watching experience so seriously that they like to pretend that the movie is playing in realtime and that they can change the outcome of the plot if only they yell loud enough at the movie screen.

It is not the intention of Black People to annoy others or disrupt the movie going experience of other people, it’s just that Black People’s intense love for visual storytelling is so strong and intense that it overwhelms them. The same way people yell and cheer and heckle at a baseball, football or basketball game, Black People like to talk during the movie. It’s in their genetic code and cannot be restrained.

However, if you do happen to find yourself in a movie theater where Black People are talking to the movie screen, if you wish to stay on good terms with Black People you should simply just forget about trying to follow the plot of the movie and join in with the Black People. In some cases you may even find it more enjoyable than watching the actual film.

#15. Being Openly Racist

openlyracistBecause of slavery, Black People feel a universal sense of entitlement from Caucasian People. Since it looks like Black People will not receive reparations or casinos anytime soon, there’s only one way Black People can get revenge for slavery: being openly racist and knowing they can get away with it.

This puts Caucasian People in a bad spot and builds up further resentment towards Black People, because Black People can be as racist toward Caucasian People as they want knowing full well Caucasian People are restricted from openly stating anything negative about Black People lest they be branded a racist (even if the Black Person in question is a total jerk that has it coming). However, there are three types of Black People when it comes to this issue.

1) Neutral; these tend to be Young Black People who have had good experiences with Caucasian People of a similar age and bear no slavery or civil rights-related malice towards people with pale skin.

2) Closet Racist; these tend to be Black People in their 30’s or 40’s who grew up in the 70’s, 80’s or early 90’s and may have experienced some general racism. They realize not all Caucasian People want to hang them from a tree or drag them from the back of their pickup truck, but that whole slavery thing was just too big to brush off.

3) 100% Racist; these tend to be Older Black People who grew up in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s who most certainly did experience racism through an attack dog’s bite, the sting of a fire hose, or the pain in the butt from sitting at lunch counters all day. These Black People are usually bitter and unreasonable and will never give Caucasian People (or any Non-Black group for that matter) an inch to save their life.

The legacy that Openly Racist Black People leave on the world is making Caucasian People jealous. Everyone on the planet is prejudice towards some group of people to some degree, but the problem arises when Caucasian People, who have been able to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted for centuries up till now, are told they can’t talk bad about Black People. This is extremely frustrating to Caucasian People, a frustration that Black People revel in and go to sleep at night with a smile on their face thinking about.

#14. Not Using Contraceptives

no_trojanAccording to the US Census Bureau, Black People make up approximately 13.5% of the population in the United States as of 2007. However, when’s the last time you saw a Black Female over the age of 19 that didn’t already have at least one kid?

It is truly amazing how the rate of teen pregnancy in the Black Community continues to skyrocket while the number of Black People in the United States stays exactly the same (but since when have Black People been known to take the census anyway?)

The vast majority of Young Black People attend public schools and, thanks to Christian Groups, the inclusion of comprehensive Sexual Education classes in the school curriculum has been expressly forbidden. This, combined with the fact that Black People have a libido 14 times stronger than most other groups of people and need to “bone” all the time, usually results in a plethora of pregnant Black teenagers.

However, there is a small but growing group of Young Black People that are trying to use contraceptives to prevent unwanted teen pregnancy, but as stated, the Black Libido is so powerful it can cut right through condoms and diaphragms like butter.

Also, there are rumors  floating around about a secret plan by the Black Community to overpopulate the United States with fatherless Black Children, but the plan has been constantly derailed by Stupid Black People who continue to get themselves arrested, killed, or get other Black People arrested and killed.