Blog Archives

#69. Threatening To Go Back To Africa

If you spend enough time around Black People, chances are you will run into one who is so fed up with the many harsh ways they are treated in the United States that they will claim they want to return to Africa.

Well, don’t believe them. Have you actually been to Africa lately? Do you know how much it would cost to ship 24 inch rims to Africa? Or how difficult it is to get your hands on a pair of really expensive tennis shoes or a Cadillac Escalade? Sure, the weather’s warm, but beloved Black activities like owning a puffy coat or bringing up slavery would be pointless.

A Black Person born and raised in the US simply can not function in a place like Africa. Remember that time Michael Jordan went off to play baseball? Same thing. Just a terrible idea all around.

A Black Person who threatens to go back to Africa is just like a Caucasian Person fed up with the US government threatens to move to Canada. They’ll never do. And if they do they’re crazy.

#67. Going To The Club

Find a Black Person. Any Black Person. Between the ages of 21 and 39. Ask them what they are planning to do this weekend.

11 times out of 10 their response will most likely be, “Going to the club.”

Black People love the club. Love it. Love it to death. Why? Because the club is the perfect environment for many of the things Black People dig.

There’s alcohol. There’s dancing. There’s loud talking. There’s loud music. There’s the opportunity to show off their new hair style or expensive tennis shoes. And above all, there’s the distinct possibility of having unprotected sex.

If, for some reason, you are the type of person who wishes to live someplace where there are no Black People, find an area that is far away from the nearest nightclub and move there. You will probably never see any more Black People for the rest of your life. And the ones you do see will be Black People who are too old to go to the club. These types of Black People are also known as “outcasts“.

So now you know.

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#40. Nails

longnailsIf hair care is one of the biggest preoccupations in the Black Community, then nail care would rank right up there alongside it.

Why do Black People (most notably Black Females) dig long nails so much? There actually isn’t any rational reason why Black People like ridiculously long finger and toe nails. Really. No reason at all. It makes it increasingly difficult to pick up and hold things, as well as making it near impossible to run or defend one’s self when someone feels the need to show off their unregistered handgun at the club (usually a result of having their expensive tennis shoes stepped on).

Scientists have deduced that a Black Female’s desire to obtain long hair has somehow been allowed to carry over into other feminine signs of beauty, such as nails. But like anything worth doing, Black People must always go that extra mile and take things just a little too far. More like a lot too far.

This is compounded by the fact that Black Females that grow their nails super long are usually employed at jobs where they depend greatly on the use of their hands (answering phones, typing, hair care, etc).

Other scientists believe that, not unlike how Black Males wear their hats crooked, that a Black Female grows her nails extra long to indicate to Black Males that they are ready to partake in the Black version of the mating ritual dance. Scientific research on this subject is still ongoing.

#13. Making Fun of People Who Own a Prius

priusBlack People hate the Toyota Prius. And they hate the people that drive them even more.

But why? Why must Black People discriminate and make fun of Prius owners? because the Toyota Prius is almost the exact opposite of the Cadillac Escalade; it’s small, quiet, environmentally friendly, and gets great gas millage. But of course, the harsh reality is that the Toyota Prius is simply not “baller“, and Black People can not and will not endorse anything that’s obviously not “baller”.

But if there’s one key reason why Black People hate the Toyota Prius and make fun of the people that own them it’s this: you can’t put 23 inch rims on them! A Black Person can not be expected to like a car they can’t put 23 inch rims on! it’s scandals!

And if you do see a Black Person driving a Prius it’s because the car salesman threatened to kill the Black Person’s family if they didn’t drive the car off the lot at that very moment. There is no other logical explanation. Even if a Black Person were being chased by a mad serial killer and had to choose between making their getaway on foot or in a Prius, the Black Person would choose to run away in their expensive white tennis shoes rather than be seen driving a Prius 100% of the time.