Blog Archives

#58. Complex Hairstyles

black_hair_styleTo say that a Black Females obsess over their hair is like saying that a plane needs wings to fly; a huge understatement.

Granted, all women of all cultures obsess over their hair in some capacity, but the story behind the hair of Black Females is perhaps one of the biggest taboos in the entire history of biggest taboos. The tabooiest, even.

Hair is seen as a clear and obvious symbol of health, fertility and attraction across virtually all cultures. But unfortunately, western cultures tend to equate long, straight and preferably blonde hair as being the epitome of beauty on a woman.

However, since Black Females do not fit this image with their typically dark kinky hair, this has forced Black Females to simply use their inherent sense of creativity to one-up other Non-Black Females that were born with hair that is easier to manage.

Similar to peacocking, some Black Females like to wear large Macy’s Day Parade float type hairstyles to attract the attention of a potential mate. The more intricate and colorful the hairstyle the more likely it will catch the attention of a virile Black Male that drives a Cadillac Escalade with expensive rims.

If a Black Male could find a way to wear a pair of expensive tennis shoes on his head, it would probably still not be as loud and outrageous as the hairstyles that some Black Females choose to wear in public.

If you encounter a Black Female with such a hairstyle, be sure to compliment her on it. Refusing to do so will be seen as a major sign of disrespect and will only lead to gun violence (physical violence could seriously damage said Black Female’s hair), so be sure to have a pitcher of water handy and, if you feel your life is in danger, threaten to pour it on her hair. If that does not deter the situation you may want to call your local Black representative for further assistance.

#9. Complaining & Talking Loud

complainingIf you’ve been around Black People for any extended period of time you’d know that Black People like to talk. A lot. Granted, all cultures like to talk, but anything worth doing is worth overdoing to great excess when it comes to Black People.

The vast majority of Black People (approximately 99.999%) strongly believes that their voice is not being heard in the world, so it is no wonder that Black People feel the need to complain more and talk at a higher volume than most other Non-Black People.

Despite the fact that America has elected its first Non-100% Caucasian President, Black People still believe they are being greatly disenfranchised. There is no known cure for this condition. A Black Person could receive $1 million dollars tax free, a mansion, an Escalade with 23 inch rims, and a lifetime supply of fried chicken and still find something wrong with it (“only a million dollars? you couldn’t kick up two or three?”, “this mansion only has two basketball courts!”, “23 inch rims? couldn’t you give me some 25’s?”, “why fried chicken? what, because I’m BLACK?!”)

You must accept the fact that a Black Person (namely the female of the species) will never truly be satisfied. Ever. But you are of course welcome to try.

But going back to Black People feeling like they aren’t being heard, if you find yourself in a cordial conversation with a Black Person and it appears they are yelling at you, please do not be alarmed. They are just making sure that you can hear them loud and clear (unless they are holding a gun, knife, or making violent hand gestures like pointing in an accusatory manner) .