Blog Archives

#48. Friday

fridayIt is common knowledge that no feature film with a cast made up mostly of Black People will ever win an Oscar. Steven Spielberg directed The Color Purple and the Academy couldn’t even give that film one single win out of seven nominations.

But if there is one film that Black People wish had won the Academy Award for Best Picture, it’s “Friday”.

Friday is perhaps the single greatest movie ever made according to the Black Community, even topping Scarface in most circles. This film embodies nearly every aspect of an authentic Black American living experience. Unemployment, alcohol, cannabis, the hood, stereotypes, drug dealers, racism, gang shootings, cereal, a rapper trying to act, women with big butts, and the Black Main Character actually gets the girl in the end (unlike most Denzel Washington and Will Smith movies).

If you are not a Black Person and you intend on interacting with Black People on a regular basis, you must watch Friday and you must not only enjoy it, but publicly state verbally or on the Internet that it is one of the single greatest movies ever made. Otherwise you may as well just wear a white sheet over your head and have a swastika tattooed onto your body. Saying that you hate Friday will result in the exact same reaction in Black People.

#27. Refering To Celebrities By Their First Names

denzelThere is a persistent myth that has been circulating for years that all Black People know each other. That, somehow, the Black Community shares a collective consciousness, a hive mind in which they are all connected and are aware of each other.

This, of course, is 100% true.

The most damming evidence being that Black People refer to other Black People they have never met by their first names. “Denzel”, “Halle”, “Beyoncé”, “Barack”, “Oprah” and  the list goes on.

Black People refer to these famous personalities by their first names because Black People are mentally connected to each other and share each other’s thoughts. This is also why. when a Black Person does something terrible like commit a serious crime, that the entire Black Community is to blame and must take full responsibility for not contacting that particular Black Person with telepathy and telling him or her not to commit the terrible crime.

It is also widely believed that “marijuana” can heighten the telepathic link between large groups of Black People, but the side effects that come with this practice (sleepiness, increased appetite, impaired motor skills) seriously reduces Black People’s ability to harness this superhuman power for good.

However, experiments with marijuana, or “weed“, are still ongoing.

#3. Incense

incenseYou may not know it, but it is a commonly held truism that Black People have a heightened, almost super-human sense of smell. Good scents can smell up to two or three times better to a Black Person, and bad scents can smell up to four or five times worse to a Black Person.

The solution? Incense! The average Black Person finds common air fresheners and air sponges extremely lacking and too costly to be effective. Incense is cheap, strong, cheap, lasts fairly long, and let’s not forget it’s pretty cheap. Its smoky emission can also be used as a good masking agent for those Black people who are more, ahem, marijuana-inclined.

If you know a Black Person and you’re not sure what to get them for their birthday or the holiday, get them lots and lots of incense, preferably the thick home-made kind with a symbol of Africa on the package. But don’t go overboard or it may be seen a romantic gesture.