Blog Archives

#63. Not Being Haunted By Ghosts

If you visit a Black Person’s house, there are a lot of things you can expect to see. Music CDs. Bootleg DVDs. Hair products. Hot sauce. Malt liquor. Incense. Plenty of interesting things.

But what you will not see is ghosts.

You may not have realized it, but if you are afraid of ghosts you should move in with a Black Person immediately. If your house is haunted and you just can’t bare to part with it, have a Black Person move in with you and you will never experience another haunting ever again. Ever.

But how can this be? What special telekinetic powers do Black People have over apparitions?

No one knows for sure, but popular “reality” TV shows like “Ghost Hunters” and even fictional TV shows like “Supernatural” have facilitated the cold hard fact that Black People are never harassed by ghosts (only people who dress up as ghosts). The only people that see ghosts are Caucasian People, Asian People, and the occasional Hispanic Person. If a Black Person spins you a tale about how they were haunted or saw a ghost, they are clearly just desperate for attention.

However, this does not mean that Black People can not be killed by ghosts. Hollywood has shown us that if a Black Person is best friends with a Caucasian Person who is being haunted by a ghost, they most certainly will not live to see their next birthday. In such cases, the evil ghost opts to skip the haunting and jump straight to brutally killing the Black Person instead.

This all points to one undeniable conclusion. Ghosts are racist.

#51. Not Being Able To Take Criticism

ignorantBlack People are an extremely passionate group of individuals (they can experience passion up to 13% more than other groups). However, this heightened sense of passion can sometimes work against the Black Community.

Thanks mostly to slavery, any criticism towards anything related to Black People will be quickly pegged as racism… even if it is another Black Person who is doing the criticizing. Black People who (justifiably) criticize other Black People are promptly branded as being a sellout or an Uncle Tom.

You see, many Black People believe that, because their ancestors were horribly wronged over the course of centuries, that gives them the right to not take responsibility for their actions.

Far too many Black People believe that they don’t need to get their high school diploma when they can just settle for a GED, don’t need to read books, don’t need to study and learn facts or solve math problems, don’t need to go to and graduate from college, don’t need to eat healthy and exercise, don’t need to save money, should embrace gang life, should blame Caucasian People for all their problems, don’t need to work a decent job and stay out of prison, shouldn’t be interested in politics, don’t need to be proper parents to their children, should objectify women, and so on.

To point out anything negative that a Black Person may have done, may be doing, or may be planning to do is a tremendous taboo within the Black Community. The freedom many Black Slaves only dreamed about a few centuries ago is now being squander by Black People who are unwilling or unable to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be the best they can possibly be and avoid becoming stereotypes.

Perhaps the election of America’s first Non-Caucasian President will give the Black Community the hope and the inspiration to live better lives, but until more Black People are willing to admit their mistakes and try to fix them that will never happen.

#50. Using The N Word

the-n-word-DVDThe “N” Word has a long and sordid history that everyone is (or should be)  aware of. It’s a bad word. It’s a hateful word. Every intelligent person alive knows this…

Except Black People.

Ask almost any Black Person. They will admit that the “N” Word is a bad word that is not to be spoken…

Unless you are a Black Person.

If you are not a Black Person, this must seem extremely odd to you. Why do Black People continue to use and call each other the “N” Word and its variations, but will get extremely upset and offended if a Non-Black Person uses the same word, even in a non-derogatory manner? The answer is quite easy to explain.

Some Black People are just idiots. Every culture has idiots, both male and female, young and old, but Black People who insist on using one of the worst and most racially charged words in the English language on a daily bases and claim that they’re “taking back the N Word” are clearly in denial.

Do you know what the different between the “N” Word and a word like “shenanigans” is? Black People don’t enjoy saying “shenanigans”.

If Black People really wanted to be rid of this hateful word, they would make an effort not to use it in conversation, around their children, or with friends. But like smokers who know that cigarette smoking leads to cancer and health problems, some Black People are more than willing to keep using the cancerous “N” Word and don’t care what ill effects it will bring on them, those around them, and their community in general.

The only difference, of course, is that Black Smokers don’t mind seeing Non-Black Smokers smoke. But what Black People don’t like is seeing or hearing Non-Black People use words that they obviously enjoy using, especially the “N” Word. And “dawg“.

#49. Discriminating Against Thin Women

skinny_keira_knightleyIt is a common stereotype that Black People favor a plump rear end over one that looks like an undercooked pancake. Of course, it goes without saying that this stereotype is 100% fact, but it is also the symptom to a much larger issue.

When compared to other groups, Black People have been blessed (or cursed, depending on the point of view) with many enlarged bodily features. Lips, noses, rear ends and… other parts. So it is only natural that most Black People would prefer these larger attributes when it comes to seeking a mate.

This has resulted in active discrimination and making fun of anyone (mostly Asian and Caucasian women) who does not fit this more curvaceous idea of feminine beauty and desire. This usually includes women with extremely small or no breasts, an underdeveloped behind, narrow hips, or a woman whose rib cage can be seen without sucking in their stomach. In other words, skinny.

However, what really ramps up Black People’s prejudice towards thin women is America’s acceptance and overall preference for associating grown women who have the body of a 10-year-old boy as being the epitome of beauty. Once upon a time, Marilyn Monroe was the undisputed ideal of American beauty. But if she were alive today, she would be classified as being a “plumper“.

And since Black Females are more likely to have the figure of Marilyn Monroe instead of Olive Oyl, the Black Community’s malice towards thin women is likely to continue and even grow as time goes on.

#47. Complicated Handshakes

black_handshakeIf you didn’t know by now, all Black People have an inherent sense of creativity. This extends to many facets of Black Culture, none so obvious as the Black Handshake.

But why must Black People over-complicate a simple greeting like a handshake? Well, because they can. That and it makes an otherwise simple gesture and distinguishes it as being exclusively Black, so that when other Non-Black People see a really impressive Black Handshake they will be instantly envious of Black People and will render simple handshakes as deeply unsatisfying.

Some scholars even believe that the Black Handshake could ultimately lead to the end of racism. Yes, really. You see, Non-Black People are so enamored with Black Handshakes that they will do almost anything to learn how to perform them, even putting their prejudice views aside in favor of being taught this unique handshake. Then they can show it off their new-found skill to all of their friends as proof that they have actually spent time with Black People outside of a work environment (an amazing achievement for any Non-Black Person).

#42. Attention

interruptionYou already know that Black People talk loud because they feel their voices are not being heard by society. But even when a Black Person knows their voice is being heard, sometimes that just isn’t enough. Sometimes they have to go that extra mile and illegally cross the border from “loud” and migrate into “obnoxious” territory.

These Black People are commonly known as “attention whores“.

Granted, anyone can be an attention whore, but Black People don’t settle for being “just” an attention whore, they have to be “the” attention whore. This goes far beyond complaining and talking loud. These particular Black People are trying to reach the level of what The President would refer to as being “a jackass“.

These particular Black People tend to be well off or feel some overwhelming sense of prestige or entitlement that allows them to fulfill the need to act a fool (i.e. stereotypical) and be a nuisance to everyone within earshot. But what really makes these particular attention-hungry Black People different from most other groups is that you can only call them on their jackassness if you are also a Black Person, otherwise you will be labeled a racist.

#39. Bald Heads

michael_jordanBecause genetics has a cruel sense of humor, many adult males across the world suffer from one of the most debilitating and embarrassing afflictions ever know: Male Pattern Baldness.

But unlike Asian Males and Caucasian Males, Black Males do not even have the option of employing the comb over. However, Black People have developed their own solution: going completely bald!

The Bald Head Look has become insanely popular within the Black Community to the point where Black Males who may otherwise have a full head of hair choose to go totally bald anyway! Famous Black People like Michael Jordan and Samuel L. Jackson have practically turned The Bald Head Look into a fashion statement.

But even taking it one step further, Black People embrace The Bald Head Look for an entirely different reason: not that many Caucasian Males can pull it off. If a Caucasian Male goes bald he will usually make one of two impressions: he is a skinhead or a cancer patient. The Bald Head Look has also become an aphrodisiac to Black Females who get a sexual thrill when they drag their fingers across a Black Male’s bald scalp.

In short, if a Black Male does not have good hair but still wishes to be “baller“, all he has to do is shave his head and will automatically have absolutely no problem finding a date the following night.

#35. Having Rhythm

dancing_smithThere is a very common stereotype that all Black People know how to dance. Not only is this 100% true, but this is a stereotype that Black People actually take great pride in.

One of the main reasons why Black People have rhythm is because they are born with it and have a genetically advanced sense of bodily coordination (Black People can have anywhere from four to six times the coordination of most other groups).

This also explains why Black People prefer rap and hip hop and don’t listen to rock & roll, heavy metal or classical music. They simply can’t dance to it, rock & roll and heavy metal especially, which just sounds like a bunch of noise and yelling to most Black People (no Black Person alive could possible perform The Electric Slide while listening to KISS or GWAR).

But this not to say that Non-Black People can’t have rhythm. Hispanics and most South Americans can have up to five units of coordination which allows them to perform dances like Salsa and Flamenco. Asian People and Caucasian People, however, can never perform more than three units of coordination at a given time.

If by some chance you have gone to a nightclub and have witnessed a Caucasian Person performing complex dance moves, chances are this particular person has spent their entire life and the majority of their family’s fortune being trained to dance by Black People (it is impossible for a Caucasian People to obtain rhythm by any other means).

#28. Spanking Their Children and Not Apologizing For It

spankingIn June 2007, Ernest Haycraft (Caucasian Person), was arrested for beating his child with a belt. His mistake? He was Caucasian.

You see, where Caucasian People are looked down upon and condemned for dispensing some leather justice on their child’s behind, it is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged in the Black Community. Many Black People who were spanked as children have grown into adults and even thanked their parents for properly disciplining them. But why? The answers may shock you.

Really, it all goes back to slavery.

When Black People were slaves they were repeatedly whipped and beaten, sometimes half to death, sometimes all the way to death. Slavery may have ended over 140 years ago, but Black People have decided to continue to adopt the practice of disciplining their children in much the same way (albeit without the “death” part).

It is also worth mentioning that many methods Caucasian People use to discipline their children (time outs, punishments, restricting television or Internet privileges) just doesn’t seem to work on Black People’s children the same way a belt, brush or extension cord across the behind most certainly does.

So if you are a Caucasian Person with a problem child and are afraid of being arrested for properly disciplining your child, call your nearest Black representative and they will be right over to do the job for you, sometimes without even getting paid. After all it is a public service.

#26. Wearing Hats Crooked

crookedhatThere is much speculation as to why Black People, Black Males specifically, choose to wear their hats at an odd angle. Besides the fact that hat tilting is clearly “baller“, it also has a lot to do with Black People’s heightened sense of creativity.

You see, Black People have an overwhelming need to stand out… by imitating other Black People. If one Black Person does something unusual that goes against the established dress code (like wearing their pants hanging off of their rear ends) then it becomes instantly fashionable within the Black Community.

It also has a lot to do with the mating rituals of Black People. The same way a male peacock spreads its feathers to attract a mate, Black Males wear their hats crooked, expensive tennis shoes, and big face watches to let available Black Females know that they are ready to “bone”.

However, because of the increasing rate of biracial babies born every year, research data points to the possibility that hat tilting may actually attract females from other groups as well. There also appears to be a substantial rise in Non-Black People that choose to imitate this practice known as “wiggers“, but their ability to attract Black Females with this practice has been sketchy at best.